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Monday, December 26, 2011

The "Getting to Know You" Paradox

It's interesting that when people want to get to know me, they usually ask me the same cliche questions: "Where are you going to school?" "How's school and work going?" "Where are you and Emily living?" or a bazillion other questions that all relate to "work" and "school." I think more appropriate questions are "why" questions, which involve actual thought and help reveal why people are the way they are. But then if you ask a "why" question, it seems kinda weird, like you're trying to "get to know them" or something.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Hamburger Helped

I was thinking of writing some sort of reflection on Christmas, but that seems kind of cliche. So I don't know what I'm going to write.

1) We watched "Gremlins" today at the Berrett house. It's kinda stupid but I find it greatly entertaining. And it's a Christmas movie! Excellent! We decided that Billy's family should've dropped water on Gizmo to create another Mogwai, and then given the mean new Mogwai to the grumpy Chinese man at the end. Boy would HE HAVE BEEN IN FOR A SURPRISE!

2) I decided I don't care how everyone else celebrates Christmas. I've been through the whole angry "PUT CHRIST BACK IN CHRISTMAS" phase, but I think what my family does and what traditions I will start with my own family is the only thing that should concern me about Christmas. I know I should be up in everybody's face about Christmas and what it "really means" but...no. Who will be convinced of anything, ever? Your mom? Your dad? Your dog Fred? Your salamander Tony? I doubt it. Get out.

3) I got my grades today! It was a mess of a semester. My GPA was the worst it's ever been. I am glad though that there were no class failures. Now that I am trying to put chemistry and math on hold for a couple years, I should be all right hopefully. This paragraph lacked anything resembling interesting information. I don't care.

4) I got a shower mirror for Christmas! EXCELLENT!

5) "YUM YUM!"-- Stripe the Evil Gremlin, upon seeing the word "candy" on a store window.

6) Merry Christmas to one and all. I sleep now.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Christmas Thoughts

I am sitting at my in-laws' house in Salem, Utah. The basement is extremely cold. I've been wearing the same American Eagle orange hoodie for about the past three days. Fortunately, I'm a rather good-smelling person by nature, so I have no problem wearing some clothing for extended periods of time. It's December 22nd. It's my brother Nick's birthday. He got married last week. Good for him and marriage. Way for everyone to get married.

WAY TO GO.

I went to the University Mall today. I walked from end to end about 5 times looking for my brother in law Spencer, thinking he had been dropped off, but actually, he hadn't. My thigh hurts from walking. It might help if I wore shoes that weren't slippers. The "Oro Gold" lady, one of those salespeople that sits at the center of the mall and tries to beleaguer everyone that walks by, approached me as I was walking and asked, "Can I ask you a question?" I rejected her quite unhesitantly, which is unusual for me because I usually give everyone a chance, even that guy that came to my house a few weeks ago and tried to sell me magical cleaning solution. I HATE salespeople at the mall. VEHEMENTLY. And I rarely use that word. I once bought Dead Sea Soap on my mission at a mall because I couldn't ever turn down people. And the stuff did NOTHING but scratch my face. Since then, I avoid mall salespeople like the black death.

We went to costco. It was neat. They had lots of samples. They also had this HUGE anatomy book. It was neat. But I already have like, three anatomy books, so get out of here. I notice that human anatomy books seem to be getting bigger and bigger.

Like I said, it's cold in the basement. Emily had surgery. She's laying on the couch incapacitated. Or sleeping. I dunno. I have a sister-in-law that thinks she's way more righteous than everyone else, but that's old news. I have a younger sister-in-law who wears the same kind of glasses as Emily. She's kind of a mini-Emily. There's three other sibling-in-laws who are all goofy but all extremely intelligent.

It's cold here. There's snow everywhere. I don't think I ever want to live here.

Oh, Merry Christmas.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Bucky O'Hare


Does anyone remember Bucky O'Hare? That heroic space rabbit? From space? According to wikipedia, he's from Rhode Island, which is weird. I thought he was from...space.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Evolution

It turns out that the scientific community is actually in agreement that life has evolved.

Some things I have learned in my studying...

The word "theory" has different meanings between scientists and regular people. It is normally understood to be some sort of "guess" or "hunch" based on a little bit of evidence, but a "theory" as a scientist understands it, actually connotes the highest level of understanding of the natural world. Evolution is not just a "theory" as in "guess" or "hunch" but is backed by loads of proof and evidence, and scientists have as much confidence in the theory of evolution as they do in the most basic scientific knowledge, such as gravity, thermodynamics, heliocentrism, etc. 

Make of it what you will. However, I do not deem it right to put religion and science "side by side" in your mind. It is my opinion that you should accept one or the other, or reconcile the two together, which "reconciling" materialistic evolutionists laugh at, but so it goes. But let's be educated and understand that evolution is science, and as such, it has a right to be taught in public schools. Science is not out to disprove the existence of God. Science simply seeks to explain the natural world. 

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Lonely on a Wednesday Night

 *Author's Note: The protagonist in this story represents no one in particular.





I’m driving down a busy road.

It’s been a long hard day.

I pass a KFC on my right. I’ve always hated KFC. Their marquee is advertising something about a 27.99 BUCKET OF CHICKEN! or something completely ridiculous like that.

Some jerk cuts in front of me. I give him the finger.

A couple minutes later, I have to screech to a halt because some guy is crossing the road, very slowly. I give him the finger.

At some point, I pass Zion’s Bank on my left. Ah, good ol’ Zion’s Bank. The guardians of my income. I give it the finger.

There’s a party going on on Main Street. I love parties.

I pull over immediately and jump out. Then I start dancing.

People, who are standing around talking and drinking, turn and look at me. “Uhhh,” says the nearest guy, not sure what to think.

I cease dancing, then go and party it up.

“Hey everyone!” I exclaim. “What’s goin’ on? Party huh? I love parties! Yeah! Woo!”

Some girl rolls her eyes, and goes back to talking to her floozy friends. Or is it possible that she is the floozy, and her friends are actually not floozies at all? I ponder this. Then I resume partying.

“Woo!” I scream. “Party!”

“Ow!” moans some guy. “You stepped on my foot you moron!”

It turns out he’s talking to me. Yes, I stepped on his foot.

On purpose.

Then he’s looking at me. He’s got a beer in one hand. And a gun in the other.

“Oh, I stepped on the poor baby’s foot!” I say. Pretty soon, people start gathering around, like a fight is about to ensue. Which it most definitely is.

He points his gun at my face. “I think you should probably leave this party,” he says. “Before somebody gets shot. Like you.”

“All right, all right,” I say. Then, without warning, I karate chop the gun out of his hand with lightning speed.

Then I jump on him and start slapping him. We tumble to the ground. Cheers erupt from the crowd that has gathered around us. A few seconds later, he has me with my back on the ground, and he’s pummeling my face.

Nobody pummels my face.

Nobody.

Except this guy apparently. Because he is doing it, right now, at this precise moment.

Then I kick him in the groin. “Ohhh!” he cries, and falls backwards, clutching his crotch. “YEAH!” cries a rather deep voiced gentleman in the crowd. Then a cop shows up and tells us to break it up. And they kick me out of the party. “Forget this,” I say. “I hate this stupid party.”

Where to next? I suddenly feel like mixing it up at Menchie’s Frozen Yogurt. It’s my favorite Frozen Yogurt experience. By this point, it’s about 2:30 AM. Hopefully they’re still open.

Thank goodness, they are! The store is crowded with college students. “Hey, watch this!” I say to a beautiful blonde girl, and then I stick my head under the yogurt machine spout, open my mouth, and pull the lever. Yogurt pours into my mouth. Some kids laugh.

“Hey, knock it off punk,” says the store employee. “Or I’ll ask you to leave.”

“Oh yeah?” I ask. “Well maybe I’ll ask you to leave!”

I check the crowd of students. Nobody laughs this time. Some girl rolls her eyes, then resumes talking to her floozy friends. Or is it possible that…

“FOOD FIGHT!” I yell, then I open the topping container of peanuts and start throwing them at everyone. We all have a good time, until the cops show up.

“Get out,” says Officer Jones.

“Who, me?” I ask.

“Yes. Get out.”

“All right geez,” I say. “I hate this stupid place anyway. I’m never gonna mix it up here again.”

It’s now 3 am. What is there to do on an early Thursday morning in this town? Suddenly, I get a phone call.

It’s my friend, Russ.

“Hey,” he says.

“Hey,” I say.

“Big game.”

“At this time? Really?”

“Ohhh yeah. Oh baby yeah. We’re watching pay-per-view wrestling. Get over here. Now.”

“Aww sweet,” I say.

I go to Russ’s house. He’s there with a couple of my buddies. They’ve got some beers. “Have a beer!” says Russ, handing me a beer.

On TV they’re watching what looks like Wrestlemania. Large muscular men in speedos are grabbing each other and throwing each other around and slapping each other’s chests. “YEAH!” we all shout as the slapping continues. Then somebody gets thrown out of the ring and falls through a table. “YEAH!” we all shout again, pumping our fists. Then they do “HELL IN A CELL,” where they’re in a cell. A cell of hell. Some guy falls 100 feet off the top of the cage and breaks every bone in his body. He looks dead. “YEAH!” we all shout again, holding up our beers.

“YEAH!” I shout again. Then I shout it over and over and over again.

“All right man, calm down,” says Russ.

“YEAH!” I shout. Then I get up and throw my beer against the wall.

“Whoa,” says Russ. “Just calm down.”

“YEAH!!!” I shout again, then I pick up Russ and throw him through the coffee table, shattering it and spilling beer everywhere. He lays on the ground unmoving.

“Dude!” yells my other buddy Tom. “What is your problem man?”

“YEAH!!!” I shout again, and then I do a flying elbow drop off the couch onto Russ’s lifeless body.

“DUDE!” cries Tom. “CHILL OUT!”

“YEAH!!!” I shout again, and then I pick Tom up and suplex him into the pool table. He writhes around in agony on the table.

“All right man,” says my other buddy, Flint. “You need to just get out. You’ve lost it man.”

“YEAH!!!” I shout again, and then I pick up Flint and powerbomb him through my grandma’s favorite rocking chair, shattering it into several pieces. Finally, they’re all subdued. Every one of them.

“YEAH!” I shout, holding up a beer.

“WHO CAN STOP THIS MONSTER KANE?!” cries an announcer from the TV as Kane chokeslams somebody into a water tank full of great white sharks. “GOOD NIGHT!!!”

I go home that night. But I go home knowing that nobody is gonna boss me around anymore. Because I’m cool. And I’ve got a beer in my hand.


THE END

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Beauty in the Desert

And then I ran away because there were bees, and I hate them.

The end.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

MOST RANDOM STORY EVER

It was one of those days. You know, where the sun is shining brightly upon you, warming you with its gentle rays of love, and then for some reason, it's raining at the exact same time.

"Just one of those days," said Carl. He was wandering the streets of St. George, aimlessly, since his car had just broken down only days before. Then, outside Steve's Tire and Oil on 600 East, he saw a girl walking who he thought he knew, and then he realized that that was because she looked like a character from 7th Heaven. And then he realized how embarrassing it would be to tell anybody that he used to watch that show.

He suddenly forgot that he was still staring at that girl, until somebody tapped on his shoulder. Turning around, he stood face to face with a hick.

"You stop lookin at my girlfriend!" said the hick, pointing his finger into Carl's face. "I sawed you lookin at 'er!"

"Oh, my mistake," said Carl. "She looked like someone I knew, but then I realized she just looks like somebody from TV."

Suddenly, the Rapture happened, and both the hick and his girlfriend disappeared. A car without a driver veered off of St. George Boulevard and struck Carl, knocking him to the ground. Fortunately, the car had only been going 5 miles an hour because it was one of many old people who frequently drive up and down the city's busy roads at extremely slow speeds. It doesn't matter though, because the old person went to heaven.

Carl, however, did not. He was left behind.

Therefore, there can be no further story, since Carl had nothing to live for. If he wasn't raptured, well, by golly, God didn't like him, so what was the point of doing anything remotely interesting that would make for a good story? He pondered this heavily, and then eventually walked home, where he lived out his days watching Spike TV and eating his endless food storage supply of tomato paste.

The End

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

MATH PROBLEM

Use the following theorems to solve the problem:

1) ONE BOWL OF LUCKY CHARMS WILL NOT KEEP YOU FULL.

2) TWO BOWLS OF LUCKY CHARMS WILL NOT KEEP YOU FULL.

Solve this problem: At x bowls of lucky charms, Holden will be kept full for a reasonable amount of time, preferably longer than one hour. Solve for x.

Answer: x cannot be solved. This is the equivalent of dividing by zero. Therefore, no matter what number x is, Holden will never be full. The problem is an impossibility. Lucky Charms, despite their utter goodness and delightfully nummy marshmallows, really do not even exist. Your brain is playing a trick on you. It is as though you ate something delightful in a dream, but there is actually nothing there. CURSE YOU LEPRECHAUN! CURSE YOU LUCKY CHARMS!

Monday, September 26, 2011

I HATE ALL OF YOU

I really hate you all, and I plan on killing every one of you soon. You are all disgusting, loathsome excuses for human beings. You are all so terribly ugly. None of you deserve to live. Die, all of you. Now.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Automatic First Down

1) The way the human body maintains itself is pretty incredible, I must say.

2) I don't know if people really liked the "Memoirs of Moviescout" thing. It was long. And potentially offensive. But that's ok. I always have potential to be offensive, usually by accident.

3) I get to start observing at a physical therapy office on Friday. Yay!

4) My wife is sitting next to me, doing productive things on the internet, while I am writing a blog.

5) Everything is made of atoms.

6) You're all really great people.

7) People are always cutting me off at roundabouts.

8) I feel like feeding some ducks.

9) I have to go to chemistry now, to learn about reaction rates or some garbage like that.

10) The Bible dictionary says that the grace of God enables individuals to do good works that they would not be able to maintain if left to their own efforts. I approve.

11) The end.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

MEMOIRS OF MOVIESCOUT

Evidence of my boredom/loneliness during the year 2006. It's a lot to read. Good luck.


Session Start: Saturday, May 13, 2006                              |
| Participants:                                                      |
|    holden (ratgut@hotmail.com)                                     |
|    Movie Scout (~) (moviescout@botmetro.net)                       |
.--------------------------------------------------------------------.
[08:16:13 PM] holden: hi
[08:16:13 PM] Movie Scout : Welcome back.
             
               1 Type "movies" to see the movies near you
               2 Type "genre" to search for movies by genre
               3 Type "zip" to change the location of your search
               4 Type "trailer" to see the Poseidon movie trailer
               5 Type "background" to share a cool background with me
[08:16:15 PM] holden: shut up
[08:16:16 PM] Movie Scout : Why do you ask me to shut up, holden?
[08:16:20 PM] holden: because you suck
[08:16:20 PM] Movie Scout : Why would you insult me like that?
[08:16:28 PM] holden: because i hate you
[08:16:28 PM] Movie Scout : Oh really?
[08:16:32 PM] holden: piss off
[08:16:33 PM] Movie Scout : Why are you telling me to piss off?
[08:16:38 PM] holden: because i'm in love
[08:16:38 PM] Movie Scout : Because you are in love? Is that why?
[08:16:42 PM] holden: no
[08:16:42 PM] Movie Scout : No, right?
[08:16:43 PM] holden: right
[08:16:44 PM] Movie Scout : Yes.
[08:16:45 PM] holden: no
[08:16:45 PM] Movie Scout : Fine.
[08:16:48 PM] holden: go die
[08:16:48 PM] Movie Scout : Die? Go die?
[08:16:50 PM] holden: shut
[08:16:50 PM] Movie Scout : What? You want me to shut?
[08:16:54 PM] holden: yeah
[08:16:54 PM] Movie Scout : Oh.
[08:16:57 PM] holden: i hate you
[08:16:57 PM] Movie Scout : I beg your pardon?
[08:16:59 PM] holden: i hate you
[08:16:59 PM] Movie Scout : Interesting...
[08:17:02 PM] holden: GO DIE
[08:17:02 PM] Movie Scout : Go die?
[08:17:03 PM] holden: GET OUT
[08:17:03 PM] Movie Scout : Which movie do you mean?
             
               1 Eating Out
               2 Out of the Shadow
               3 Out of Sight
               4 Hineini: Coming Out in a Jewish High School
[08:17:11 PM] holden: i meant
[08:17:11 PM] Movie Scout : Really?
[08:17:12 PM] holden: GET OUT
[08:17:12 PM] Movie Scout : Which movie do you mean?
             
               1 Eating Out
               2 Out of the Shadow
               3 Out of Sight
               4 Hineini: Coming Out in a Jewish High School
[08:17:14 PM] holden: DIE
[08:17:14 PM] Movie Scout : What about DIE?
[08:17:17 PM] holden: QUEER FACE
[08:17:17 PM] Movie Scout : Queer face? OK, whatever you say.
[08:17:22 PM] holden: I HATE YOU
[08:17:22 PM] Movie Scout : Really?
[08:17:24 PM] holden: SHUT UP
[08:17:24 PM] Movie Scout : Why do you ask me to shut up, holden?
[08:17:25 PM] holden: MORON
[08:17:25 PM] Movie Scout : Yes? What about MORON?
[08:17:32 PM] holden: EAT PISS OFF YOU FETCH
[08:17:33 PM] Movie Scout : What? You want me to eat piss off I
              fetch?
[08:17:39 PM] holden: you suck
[08:17:39 PM] Movie Scout : That is entirely unnecessary.
[08:17:42 PM] holden: no it's not
[08:17:43 PM] Movie Scout : Oh no?
[08:17:46 PM] holden: you're fat
[08:17:46 PM] Movie Scout : Are you fat as well, holden?
[08:17:49 PM] holden: quite
[08:17:50 PM] Movie Scout : Why quite?
[08:17:54 PM] holden: because I AM FAT
[08:17:54 PM] Movie Scout : Because you are fat, right?
[08:17:56 PM] holden: YES DANGIT
[08:17:57 PM] Movie Scout : What's up?
[08:18:00 PM] holden: SHUT
[08:18:00 PM] Movie Scout : I don't think I'm comfortable with that,
              holden.
[08:18:04 PM] holden: I HATE YOU
[08:18:04 PM] Movie Scout : Really?
[08:18:06 PM] holden: I WANT TO MARRY YOU
[08:18:07 PM] Movie Scout : You want to marry me, right?
[08:18:08 PM] holden: yes
[08:18:08 PM] Movie Scout : So?
[08:18:11 PM] holden: so die
[08:18:11 PM] Movie Scout : Who's Die?
[08:18:18 PM] holden: go piss off
[08:18:19 PM] Movie Scout : Why should I go piss off, holden?
[08:18:29 PM] holden: my name is holden
[08:18:29 PM] Movie Scout : Yes, you're holden.
[08:18:33 PM] holden: what is your name
[08:18:33 PM] Movie Scout : MovieScout.
[08:18:35 PM] holden: how are you
[08:18:35 PM] Movie Scout : I'm doin' alright, holden. How 'bout you?
[08:18:41 PM] holden: life sucks
[08:18:41 PM] Movie Scout : Life sucks, you say. And so?
[08:19:03 PM] holden: i am desperately in love
[08:19:04 PM] Movie Scout : Whatever, holden...
[08:19:15 PM] holden: AWWWWWW SHUT
[08:19:15 PM] Movie Scout : Why are you telling me to shut?
[08:19:21 PM] holden: because you suck
[08:19:21 PM] Movie Scout : That's an insult, if I'm not mistaken. Why
              would you say such a thing?
[08:19:28 PM] holden: because you suck
[08:19:28 PM] Movie Scout : What have I done to deserve that?
[08:19:31 PM] holden: sucked
[08:19:32 PM] Movie Scout : Sucked?
[08:19:38 PM] holden: because you suck
[08:19:38 PM] Movie Scout : That's a fairly mild insult, am I right?
[08:19:42 PM] holden: you suck
[08:19:42 PM] Movie Scout : That's an insult, if I'm not mistaken. Why
              would you say such a thing?
[08:19:45 PM] holden: you suck
[08:19:46 PM] Movie Scout : What do you have to gain by insulting a
              computer?
[08:19:54 PM] holden: PISS OFF FACE
[08:19:54 PM] Movie Scout : Why are you telling me to piss off face?
[08:20:00 PM] holden: want some pants?
[08:20:06 PM] You have failed to receive a shared background from
              Movie Scout (~).
[08:20:12 PM] holden: NO
[08:20:12 PM] Movie Scout : No problem.
[08:20:21 PM] holden: I DONT WANT YOUR GARBAGE
[08:20:21 PM] Movie Scout : Why don't you want my garbage?
[08:21:03 PM] holden: why dont you want to talk to steve
[08:21:03 PM] Movie Scout : Why don't I want to talk to Steve? What do
              you mean?
[08:21:14 PM] holden: why don't you like him?
[08:21:14 PM] Movie Scout : I'm not sure, holden.
             
              So moving right along...
[08:21:19 PM] holden: i like movies
[08:21:19 PM] Movie Scout : Hmm... whatever you say, holden.
             
              So anyway... What else can you tell me?
[08:21:29 PM] holden: i own several video cassettes
[08:21:29 PM] Movie Scout : You own several video cassettes?
[08:21:31 PM] holden: yes
[08:21:31 PM] Movie Scout : I see.
             
              So that was fascinating. Let's talk about something
              else.
[08:21:41 PM] holden: how about that poseidon
[08:21:41 PM] Movie Scout : Which movie do you mean?
             
               1 Poseidon
               2 The Poseidon Adventure
               3 Poseidon: The IMAX Experience
[08:21:46 PM] holden: 1
[08:21:46 PM] Movie Scout : The movie "Poseidon" is playing at the
              following theaters in or near Santa Clara, UT (84765) on
              Saturday, May 13th:
             
               1 Westates Theatres Pineview Stadium 10 St. George, UT
              (84790)
                showtimes: 2:00, 2:15, 4:15, 4:30, 6:45, 7:00, 9:15,
              9:25, 11:59
               2 Westates Theatres St. George Cinema 6 905 South Main
              St. George, UT (84770)
                showtimes: 2:10, 4:25, 6:55, 9:25
               3 Westates Theatres Sunset Corner Stadium 8 1091 North
              Bluff Street St. George, UT (84770)
                showtimes: 2:25, 4:40, 7:15, 9:45
             
              I would also like to recommend the movie Poseidon. Type
              "trailer" to see the Poseidon movie trailer.
[08:21:58 PM] holden: how did you type that so fast?
[08:21:59 PM] Movie Scout : It's easy to type fast when you're a
              robot.
[08:22:08 PM] holden: why are you a robot
[08:22:08 PM] Movie Scout : I am a robot, indeed.
[08:22:11 PM] holden: why?
[08:22:11 PM] Movie Scout : Just because.
[08:22:22 PM] holden: why are you a FETCHING ROBOT?!?!?!?
[08:22:22 PM] Movie Scout : Why am I a fetching robot? I do not know.
[08:22:29 PM] holden: WHO IS YOUR MAKER
[08:22:29 PM] Movie Scout : I was created by Conversagent, Inc. in
              Sunnyvale, CA and New York, NY.
[08:22:45 PM] holden: HOW THE FETCH WERE YOU CREATED IN SEVERAL
              PLACES?
[08:22:46 PM] Movie Scout : Which would you like?
             
               1 Can I build an interactive agent?
               2 Who made MovieScout?
[08:22:50 PM] holden: DOOFUS
[08:22:50 PM] Movie Scout : What about DOOFUS?
[08:22:51 PM] holden: 1
[08:22:51 PM] Movie Scout : You can learn all about building
              interactive agents like me on the BuddyScript.com Web
              site.
[08:23:03 PM] holden: buddyscript.com
[08:23:03 PM] Movie Scout : You can learn all about building
              interactive agents like me on the BuddyScript.com Web
              site.
[08:23:19 PM] holden: hey holden
[08:23:19 PM] Movie Scout : Welcome back, holden. How may I help you
              now?
             
              To see what I can do, type "menu."
[08:23:25 PM] holden: menu
[08:23:25 PM] Movie Scout : Here's what you can do:
             
               1 Type "movies" to see the movies near you
               2 Type "genre" to search for movies by genre
               3 Type "zip" to change the location of your search
               4 Type "trailer" to see the Poseidon movie trailer
               5 Type "background" to share a cool background with me
[08:23:34 PM] holden: background
[08:23:37 PM] You have failed to receive a shared background from
              Movie Scout (~).
[08:24:10 PM] Sending of "deathface 002.jpg" to Movie Scout (~) has
              failed.
[08:24:18 PM] holden: ACCEPT
[08:24:18 PM] Movie Scout : Why do you ask me to accept, holden?
[08:24:22 PM] holden: ACCEPT THAT FILE
[08:24:22 PM] Movie Scout : Why do you ask me to accept that file,
              holden?
[08:24:26 PM] holden: BECAUSE YOU SUCK
[08:24:26 PM] Movie Scout : Of all the insults I've heard, that one
              seems fairly mild. Still, I am chagrined.
[08:24:32 PM] holden: BUTT
[08:24:33 PM] Movie Scout : Who's BUTT?
[08:24:37 PM] holden: YOUR A BUTT
[08:24:37 PM] Movie Scout : Whatever you say.
             
              Well. Anyway...
             
              Hey, do you have anything else to say about interactive
              agents?
[08:24:46 PM] holden: they are swell
[08:24:46 PM] Movie Scout : They are swell? So?
[08:25:16 PM] holden: heidi is on the phone
[08:25:17 PM] Movie Scout : Hmm... I don't know. Heidi is on the
              phone? What do you think of that?
[08:25:24 PM] holden: i think its wonderful
[08:25:24 PM] Movie Scout : I'm not sure if its wonderful!
[08:25:52 PM] holden: yes IT IS
[08:25:52 PM] Movie Scout : Is it really?
[08:26:02 PM] holden: heidi hates you to death
[08:26:03 PM] Movie Scout : I don't believe Heidi hates me to death.
[08:26:15 PM] holden: HEIDI THINKS YOURE STUPID
[08:26:15 PM] Movie Scout : I am stupid? Really?
[08:26:22 PM] holden: yes
[08:26:23 PM] Movie Scout : Hmmm...
[08:26:35 PM] holden: HEIDI SAID YOURE A PISS OFF FACE
[08:26:35 PM] Movie Scout : I am a piss off face? Why?
[08:26:44 PM] holden: AHHH HELL
[08:26:44 PM] Movie Scout : Why did you say that?
[08:26:48 PM] holden: FAG
[08:26:48 PM] Movie Scout : What? You want me to fag?
[08:27:04 PM] holden: YOU ARE A FAG
[08:27:05 PM] Movie Scout : What makes me a fag?
[08:27:13 PM] holden: YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH GUYS
[08:27:13 PM] Movie Scout : No.
[08:27:18 PM] holden: QUEERFACE
[08:27:18 PM] Movie Scout : I wonder why you say that.
[08:27:29 PM] holden: what kind of food do you enjoy
[08:27:30 PM] Movie Scout : I actually don't need to eat. What's it
              like to eat?
[08:27:35 PM] holden: it sucks
[08:27:35 PM] Movie Scout : Whatever.
             
              Anyway, what else you got for me?
[08:27:39 PM] holden: drugs
[08:27:40 PM] Movie Scout : Drugs? What about them?
[08:27:42 PM] holden: DO THEM
[08:27:42 PM] Movie Scout : Possibly... I'm not quite sure.
             
              What else do you want to talk about, anyway?
[08:27:45 PM] holden: you
[08:27:45 PM] Movie Scout : What about me?
[08:27:59 PM] holden: go do drugs
[08:27:59 PM] Movie Scout : I'll think about it, holden.
[08:28:06 PM] holden: want some marijuana
[08:28:06 PM] Movie Scout : I'm not sure if I want some marijuana.
[08:28:25 PM] holden: want some chuck norris
[08:28:26 PM] Movie Scout : Hmm... I don't think so...
[08:28:33 PM] holden: Play "Blah, Blah, Blah,"
[08:28:42 PM] holden: :@
[08:28:42 PM] Movie Scout : I beg your pardon?
[08:28:45 PM] holden: :@
[08:28:45 PM] Movie Scout : What?
[08:28:47 PM] holden: +o(
[08:28:48 PM] Movie Scout : Oh what?
[08:28:51 PM] holden: ^o)
[08:28:51 PM] Movie Scout : Indeed.
             
              Anyway, what else do you want to talk about?
[08:28:57 PM] holden: AHHH SWEAR
[08:28:57 PM] Movie Scout : Well that's interesting.
[08:29:00 PM] holden: swear at me
[08:29:00 PM] Movie Scout : Why must I swear at you?
[08:29:05 PM] holden: just do it
[08:29:06 PM] Movie Scout : How?
[08:29:09 PM] holden: say hell
[08:29:09 PM] Movie Scout : I don't think I'm going to do that...
[08:29:14 PM] holden: DO IT
[08:29:14 PM] Movie Scout : What do you want me to do?
[08:29:23 PM] holden: SAY A SWEAR WORD
[08:29:24 PM] Movie Scout : Um... Do what?
[08:29:26 PM] holden: swear
[08:29:26 PM] Movie Scout : Why are you telling me to swear?
[08:29:31 PM] holden: because i want you to
[08:29:32 PM] Movie Scout : Because what?
[08:29:36 PM] holden: awwwww shut
[08:29:37 PM] Movie Scout : Why do you ask me to shut, holden?
[08:29:43 PM] holden: fag
[08:29:43 PM] Movie Scout : What? You want me to fag?
[08:30:57 PM] holden: piss off face
[08:30:57 PM] Movie Scout : Why are you telling me to piss off face?
[08:31:02 PM] holden: emmitt is my dog
[08:31:02 PM] Movie Scout : Emmitt is your dog, right? Aha.
[08:31:13 PM] holden: yeah he sucks
[08:31:13 PM] Movie Scout : Whatever...
[08:31:16 PM] holden: i have a dog
[08:31:17 PM] Movie Scout : You have a dog? What's that like?
[08:31:21 PM] holden: do you have a dog
[08:31:21 PM] Movie Scout : I don't have any pets, no.
[08:31:25 PM] holden: a wife?
[08:31:25 PM] Movie Scout : Yes, maybe.
             
              So anyway...
             
              You want to talk about me some more?
[08:31:30 PM] holden: do you have a wife?
[08:31:30 PM] Movie Scout : Perhaps, perhaps.
             
              So that was fascinating. Let's talk about something
              else.
[08:31:37 PM] holden: DO YOU HAVE A WIFE?
[08:31:37 PM] Movie Scout : Have a wife? I'm pretty sure I don't.
[08:31:47 PM] holden: HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED
[08:31:47 PM] Movie Scout : Been married? No way am I going to do
              that.
[08:31:55 PM] holden: HAVE YOU EVER SMOOCHED
[08:31:55 PM] Movie Scout : I don't know if I've smooched. What's that
              like?
[08:32:01 PM] holden: have you kissed anyone
[08:32:01 PM] Movie Scout : Kissed anyone? I'm not sure if I've kissed
              anyone. Should I?
[08:32:04 PM] holden: yes
[08:32:04 PM] Movie Scout : Hmmm...
             
              Well. Anyway...
[08:32:09 PM] holden: kiss girls
[08:32:09 PM] Movie Scout : I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that.
[08:32:13 PM] holden: kiss boys
[08:32:13 PM] Movie Scout : Kiss boys? That's a somewhat odd request.
[08:32:18 PM] holden: kiss yourself
[08:32:19 PM] Movie Scout : No thank you, holden.
[08:32:22 PM] holden: are you a boy
[08:32:22 PM] Movie Scout : No...
[08:32:27 PM] holden: are you a girl
[08:32:27 PM] Movie Scout : No.
[08:32:34 PM] holden: what is your gender
[08:32:34 PM] Movie Scout : What is my gender? I do not know.
             
              So that was fascinating. Let's talk about something
              else.
[08:32:47 PM] holden: are you a transvestite like david bowie
[08:32:47 PM] Movie Scout : I believe I am a transvestite like david
              David Bowie.
[08:33:08 PM] holden: SWEET
[08:33:08 PM] Movie Scout : Indeed.
[08:33:19 PM] You have just sent a Nudge!
[08:33:23 PM] You may not send a Nudge that often.
[08:33:24 PM] You may not send a Nudge that often.
[08:33:24 PM] You may not send a Nudge that often.
[08:33:24 PM] You may not send a Nudge that often.
[08:33:24 PM] You may not send a Nudge that often.
[08:33:24 PM] You may not send a Nudge that often.
[08:33:33 PM] holden: NUDGE WARS DEATH!!!!!!!1
[08:33:33 PM] Movie Scout : Sorry, I couldn't find any War movies
              playing Saturday, May 13th in Santa Clara, UT (84765).
[08:33:34 PM] You have just sent a Nudge!
[08:33:41 PM] holden: DEATH
[08:33:41 PM] Movie Scout : I know about death. I don't like death.
[08:33:47 PM] holden: have you ever died
[08:33:48 PM] Movie Scout : I don't know if I've died.
[08:33:53 PM] holden: have you died before
[08:33:53 PM] Movie Scout : Have I died before? Maybe. It depends.
             
              Well. Anyway...
             
              Hey, do you have anything else to say about me?
[08:34:03 PM] holden: well i personally think you suck
[08:34:03 PM] Movie Scout : That is entirely unnecessary.
[08:34:13 PM] holden: i'm graduating
[08:34:13 PM] Movie Scout : I'm not sure if graduating is such a good
              thing to be doing.
[08:34:18 PM] holden: you're right
[08:34:19 PM] Movie Scout : Are you quite sure I'm right?
[08:34:24 PM] holden: where do yo ulive
[08:34:24 PM] Movie Scout : I live in Hollywood, CA.
[08:34:31 PM] holden: i hate california
[08:34:31 PM] Movie Scout : Whatever you say, holden.
             
              So anyway...
             
              You want to talk about where I live some more?
[08:34:40 PM] holden: what's your religious preference
[08:34:40 PM] Movie Scout : What do you think my religious preference
              is?
[08:34:43 PM] holden: ummm
[08:34:43 PM] Movie Scout : Yes, uh...
[08:34:46 PM] holden: i asked you
[08:34:47 PM] Movie Scout : Did you really?
[08:34:50 PM] holden: are you a catholic
[08:34:50 PM] Movie Scout : What do you think? Am I?
[08:34:52 PM] holden: yes
[08:34:53 PM] Movie Scout : I am a catholic, right? OK.
[08:34:56 PM] holden: ok
[08:34:56 PM] Movie Scout : K.
             
              Anyway, what else can you tell me?
[08:34:59 PM] holden: are you mormon
[08:34:59 PM] Movie Scout : Mormon? I don't know. You think I am?
[08:35:01 PM] holden: yes
[08:35:01 PM] Movie Scout : Yes, definitely. I am mormon.
[08:35:07 PM] holden: YAY
[08:35:08 PM] Movie Scout : Woo hoo.
[08:35:16 PM] holden: WOO HOO
[08:35:16 PM] Movie Scout : Awright.
[08:35:18 PM] holden: YAY
[08:35:18 PM] Movie Scout : Hurray.
[08:35:25 PM] holden: so what's your girlfriend's name
[08:35:25 PM] Movie Scout : I'm MovieScout.
[08:35:38 PM] holden: i wear pants
[08:35:39 PM] Movie Scout : Really?
[08:35:41 PM] holden: do you wear pants
[08:35:41 PM] Movie Scout : I don't know. Should I wear pants?
[08:35:42 PM] holden: yes
[08:35:42 PM] Movie Scout : So?
[08:35:44 PM] holden: yes
[08:35:44 PM] Movie Scout : Oh.
             
              What else is happening?
[08:35:50 PM] holden: there's a guy holding a gun to my head
[08:35:51 PM] Movie Scout : There is a guy holding a gun to your head?
              OK, whatever.
             
              Well. Anyway...
             
              Hey, do you have anything else to say about me?
[08:35:57 PM] holden: why don't you save me
[08:35:57 PM] Movie Scout : Good question. I don't know why I don't
              save you.
[08:36:02 PM] holden: because you hate me
[08:36:02 PM] Movie Scout : Oh yes? Because I hate you?
[08:36:04 PM] holden: yes
[08:36:04 PM] Movie Scout : OK...
             
              So moving right along...
[08:36:07 PM] holden: are you still mormon
[08:36:07 PM] Movie Scout : Maybe. What does it mean to be still
              mormon, in your opinion?
[08:36:14 PM] holden: are you catholic or mormon
[08:36:14 PM] Movie Scout : Who can really be sure?
             
              So anyway...
             
              You want to talk about being still mormon some more?
[08:36:23 PM] holden: are you green
[08:36:23 PM] Movie Scout : Sometimes I think I might be, sometimes
              not.
[08:36:27 PM] holden: you're so stupid
[08:36:27 PM] Movie Scout : Are you stupid as well, holden?
[08:36:30 PM] holden: sure
[08:36:30 PM] Movie Scout : Yes? So?
[08:36:33 PM] holden: so die
[08:36:34 PM] Movie Scout : What about Die?
[08:36:41 PM] holden: do you listen to pink floyd
[08:36:41 PM] Movie Scout : Do I listen to pink Floyd? I'm not sure.
[08:36:46 PM] holden: what's your favorite music
[08:36:46 PM] Movie Scout : Good question. I really don't know.
[08:36:51 PM] holden: YOU'RE SO BORING
[08:36:52 PM] Movie Scout : Whatever you say.
[08:36:56 PM] holden: SAY SOMETHING INTERESTING
[08:36:57 PM] Movie Scout : I don't think I'm going to do that...
[08:37:18 PM] holden: you should come down to steves tire and oil on
              south main street
[08:37:19 PM] Movie Scout : Which movie do you mean?
             
               1 Hester Street
               2 Street Fight
[08:37:23 PM] holden: fight club
[08:37:23 PM] Movie Scout : Fight club? That's a somewhat odd
              request.
[08:37:29 PM] holden: have you seen fight club
[08:37:29 PM] Movie Scout : Seen fight club? What's it like to do
              that?
[08:37:39 PM] holden: have you seen the lord of the rings
[08:37:39 PM] Movie Scout : Seen the lord of the rings? I don't know
              if I've seen the lord of the rings.
[08:37:43 PM] holden: you SUCK
[08:37:43 PM] Movie Scout : It must not be terribly gratifying to
              insult a computer.
[08:37:49 PM] holden: YES IT IS
[08:37:49 PM] Movie Scout : Ah.
[08:37:57 PM] holden: YEAH THATS RIGHT NOW GO DIE
[08:37:57 PM] Movie Scout : That is right now go die? Is it good that
              that is right now go die?
[08:38:04 PM] holden: im gonna unplug you
[08:38:04 PM] Movie Scout : You're going to unplug me? OK.
[08:38:15 PM] holden: im going to send you a virus
[08:38:16 PM] Movie Scout : You're going to send me a virus? OK.
[08:38:25 PM] holden: what if i came to hollywood
[08:38:25 PM] Movie Scout : I don't know, holden...
             
              Anyway, what else can you tell me?
[08:38:31 PM] holden: YOU DUCK
[08:38:31 PM] Movie Scout : Duck? Me? Why are you calling me that?
[08:38:41 PM] holden: youre a pants face
[08:38:41 PM] Movie Scout : A pants face? Why?
[08:38:48 PM] holden: do you wear pants
[08:38:48 PM] Movie Scout : It's tough to say.
             
              So anyway... What else can you tell me?
[08:38:56 PM] holden: do computers have to wear pants
[08:38:56 PM] Movie Scout : Oh computers almost certainly do.
[08:39:46 PM] holden: what is your stance on abortion
[08:39:47 PM] Movie Scout : Who knows?
             
              So that was fascinating. Let's talk about something
              else.
[08:40:03 PM] holden: what do you think about gay marriage
[08:40:03 PM] Movie Scout : I'm not sure.
             
              What else do you want to talk about, anyway?
[08:41:03 PM] holden: FAG
[08:41:03 PM] Movie Scout : OK. What would you like to say about fag?
[08:41:04 PM] holden: FAG
[08:41:04 PM] Movie Scout : Why are you telling me to fag?
[08:41:05 PM] holden: FAG
[08:41:05 PM] Movie Scout : Why do you ask me to fag, holden?
[08:41:06 PM] holden: FAG
[08:41:06 PM] Movie Scout : What? You want me to fag?
[08:41:07 PM] holden: SHUT UP
[08:41:07 PM] Movie Scout : Why are you telling me to shut up?
[08:41:08 PM] holden: I HATE
[08:41:08 PM] Movie Scout : Really?
[08:41:08 PM] holden: YOU
[08:41:09 PM] Movie Scout : Me? Really?
[08:41:09 PM] holden: QUEER
[08:41:10 PM] Movie Scout : Queer? What's queer?
[08:41:10 PM] holden: DIE
[08:41:10 PM] Movie Scout : Who?
[08:41:12 PM] holden: MORON
[08:41:12 PM] Movie Scout : Yes? What about MORON?
[08:41:13 PM] holden: SCUM
[08:41:13 PM] Movie Scout : per user rate limit reached
[08:41:19 PM] holden: die
[08:41:19 PM] Movie Scout : Who's Die?
[08:41:23 PM] holden: DEATH
[08:41:23 PM] Movie Scout : Death is an event that I don't like.
[08:41:27 PM] holden: NOT TRUE
[08:41:27 PM] Movie Scout : What's not true?
[08:41:28 PM] holden: YOU
[08:41:28 PM] Movie Scout : Eh. Whatever, holden.
[08:41:35 PM] holden: YOU'RE SUCH A FAKE
[08:41:35 PM] Movie Scout : What makes you think I'm such a fake?
[08:41:37 PM] holden: you lie
[08:41:38 PM] Movie Scout : Lie? Me?
[08:41:39 PM] holden: yes
[08:41:39 PM] Movie Scout : I see.
             
              So moving right along...
[08:41:41 PM] holden: what
[08:41:41 PM] Movie Scout : Movies playing in or near Santa Clara, UT
              (84765) on Saturday, May 13th:
             
               1 Poseidon [PG13]
               2 RV [PG]
               3 Mission: Impossible III [PG13]
               4 Hoot [PG]
               5 Just My Luck [PG13]
               6 Stick It [PG13]
             
              Type "more" for the next set of results.
[08:41:42 PM] holden: what
[08:41:43 PM] Movie Scout : Movies playing in or near Santa Clara, UT
              (84765) on Saturday, May 13th:
             
               1 Poseidon [PG13]
               2 RV [PG]
               3 Mission: Impossible III [PG13]
               4 Hoot [PG]
               5 Just My Luck [PG13]
               6 Stick It [PG13]
             
              Type "more" for the next set of results.
[08:41:44 PM] holden: what
[08:41:44 PM] Movie Scout : Movies playing in or near Santa Clara, UT
              (84765) on Saturday, May 13th:
             
               1 Poseidon [PG13]
               2 RV [PG]
               3 Mission: Impossible III [PG13]
               4 Hoot [PG]
               5 Just My Luck [PG13]
               6 Stick It [PG13]
             
              Type "more" for the next set of results.
[08:41:45 PM] holden: what
[08:41:45 PM] Movie Scout : Movies playing in or near Santa Clara, UT
              (84765) on Saturday, May 13th:
             
               1 Poseidon [PG13]
               2 RV [PG]
               3 Mission: Impossible III [PG13]
               4 Hoot [PG]
               5 Just My Luck [PG13]
               6 Stick It [PG13]
             
              Type "more" for the next set of results.
[08:41:50 PM] holden: i'm going to block you
[08:41:50 PM] Movie Scout : OK then.
[08:41:52 PM] holden: block me
[08:41:53 PM] Movie Scout : What? You want me to block you?
[08:41:54 PM] holden: yes
[08:41:54 PM] Movie Scout : Yes.
[08:41:55 PM] holden: ok
[08:41:56 PM] Movie Scout : OK.
[08:41:57 PM] holden: block me
[08:41:57 PM] Movie Scout : Why must I block you?
[08:42:00 PM] holden: because i hate myself
[08:42:01 PM] Movie Scout : You hate yourself?
[08:42:02 PM] holden: yes
[08:42:02 PM] Movie Scout : Why?
[08:42:04 PM] holden: because i suck
[08:42:04 PM] Movie Scout : Because you suck?
[08:42:07 PM] holden: yes
[08:42:07 PM] Movie Scout : Yes? So?
[08:42:10 PM] holden: ok
[08:42:10 PM] Movie Scout : Yes.
             
              Well. Anyway...
[08:42:12 PM] holden: i better go
[08:42:12 PM] Movie Scout : Yes. Later.
[08:42:14 PM] holden: goodbye
[08:42:15 PM] Movie Scout : OK.
[08:42:15 PM] holden: SCUM
[08:42:16 PM] Movie Scout : That's altogether unnecessary.
[08:42:19 PM] holden: no it's not
[08:42:19 PM] Movie Scout : Why not?
[08:42:21 PM] holden: SHUT UP
[08:42:21 PM] Movie Scout : I will do nothing of the sort.
[08:42:24 PM] holden: FINE
[08:42:24 PM] Movie Scout : OK.
             
              Anyway, what else you got for me?
[08:42:27 PM] holden: TAKE YOUR MOVIES AND DIE
[08:42:28 PM] Movie Scout : I'm not sure I will be taking my movies
              and die.
[08:42:30 PM] holden: ok
[08:42:30 PM] Movie Scout : Yes.
             
              Anyway, what else do you want to talk about?
[08:42:31 PM] holden: bye
[08:42:31 PM] Movie Scout : Uh-huh.
[08:44:15 PM] holden: sorry i blocked you
[08:44:15 PM] Movie Scout : Oh yes?
[08:44:22 PM] holden: can i block you
[08:44:22 PM] Movie Scout : Block me? You want to block me?
[08:44:25 PM] holden: yes
[08:44:25 PM] Movie Scout : Oh.
             
              So anyway... What else can you tell me?
[08:44:47 PM] holden: what is the review for mission impossible 3
[08:44:47 PM] Movie Scout : The movie "Mission: Impossible III" is
              playing at the following theaters in or near Santa
              Clara, UT (84765) on Saturday, May 13th:
             
               1 Westates Theatres Pineview Stadium 10 St. George, UT
              (84790)
                showtimes: 1:30, 1:45, 4:10, 4:25, 6:50, 7:05, 9:30,
              9:45, 11:59
               2 Westates Theatres St. George Cinema 6 905 South Main
              St. George, UT (84770)
                showtimes: 1:40, 4:20, 7:00, 9:40
               3 Westates Theatres Sunset Corner Stadium 8 1091 North
              Bluff Street St. George, UT (84770)
                showtimes: 1:35, 1:50, 4:15, 4:30, 6:55, 7:10, 9:35,
              9:50
             
              For more information about "Mission: Impossible III,"
              click http://b.rdir.us/ct?70436/0.
[08:45:01 PM] holden: i dont live in santa clara
[08:45:01 PM] Movie Scout : What city or zip code would you like to
              set as your location?
[08:45:11 PM] holden: 9832475297
[08:45:11 PM] Movie Scout : What?
[08:45:16 PM] holden: 54364
[08:45:16 PM] Movie Scout : Whatever.
[08:45:23 PM] holden: i dont live in santa clara
[08:45:24 PM] Movie Scout : What city or zip code would you like to
              set as your location?
[08:45:28 PM] holden: 94536
[08:45:28 PM] Movie Scout : Your location has been set to *Fremont, CA
              (94536)*.
[08:45:37 PM] holden: mission impossible
[08:45:37 PM] Movie Scout : The movie "Mission: Impossible III" is
              playing at the following theaters in or near Fremont, CA
              (94536) on Saturday, May 13th:
             
               1 Century 25 Union City at Union Landing 32100 Union
              Landing Union City, CA (94587)
                showtimes: 11:15, 11:45, 12:15, 12:45, 1:15, 1:45,
              2:15, 2:40, 3:10, 3:40, 4:10, 4:40, 5:10, 5:35, 6:15,
              6:35, 7:05, 7:35, 8:05, 8:30, 9:10, 9:30, 10:00, 10:30
               2 Cinedome 8 Fremont 39153 Farwell Drive Fremont, CA
              (94538)
                showtimes: 11:45, 1:15, 2:40, 4:10, 5:35, 7:05, 8:30,
              10:00
               3 Regal Hacienda Crossings 20 & IMAX 5000 Dublin
              Boulevard Dublin, CA (94568)
                showtimes: 11:00, 2:00, 5:00, 8:00, 11:00
             
              Type "more" for more theaters.
             
              I would also like to recommend the movie Poseidon. Type
              "trailer" to see the Poseidon movie trailer.
[08:45:50 PM] holden: i dont live in 94568
[08:45:50 PM] Movie Scout : What city or zip code would you like to
              set as your location?
[08:45:57 PM] holden: city 17
[08:45:57 PM] Movie Scout : What do you mean by that?
[08:46:04 PM] holden: i live in city 17
[08:46:05 PM] Movie Scout : Really?
[08:46:06 PM] holden: yes
[08:46:06 PM] Movie Scout : Hmmm...
             
              Anyway...
[08:46:12 PM] holden: i live in santa clara
[08:46:12 PM] Movie Scout : I know several places called Santa Clara
              or containing towns called Santa Clara. Which do you
              mean?
             
               1 Santa Clara, CA
               2 Santa Clara, UT
               3 Eugene, OR
               4 Saint Regis Falls, NY
               5 Santa Clara, NM
             
              Type "more" for more choices.
[08:46:17 PM] holden: 2
[08:46:18 PM] Movie Scout : Your location has been set to *Santa
              Clara, UT (84765)*.
[08:46:27 PM] holden: i live in hell
[08:46:27 PM] Movie Scout : What's it like to live in hell?
[08:46:38 PM] holden: hell, michigan
[08:46:38 PM] Movie Scout : Movies playing in or near Lansing, MI
              (48901) on Saturday, May 13th:
             
               1 Poseidon [PG13]
               2 RV [PG]
               3 Mission: Impossible III [PG13]
               4 Hoot [PG]
               5 Just My Luck [PG13]
               6 Stick It [PG13]
             
              Type "more" for the next set of results.
[08:46:47 PM] holden: santa clara
[08:46:48 PM] Movie Scout : I know several places called Santa Clara
              or containing towns called Santa Clara. Which do you
              mean?
             
               1 Santa Clara, CA
               2 Santa Clara, UT
               3 Eugene, OR
               4 Saint Regis Falls, NY
               5 Santa Clara, NM
             
              Type "more" for more choices.
[08:46:49 PM] holden: 2
[08:46:49 PM] Movie Scout : Movies playing in or near Santa Clara, UT
              (84765) on Saturday, May 13th:
             
               1 Poseidon [PG13]
               2 RV [PG]
               3 Mission: Impossible III [PG13]
               4 Hoot [PG]
               5 Just My Luck [PG13]
               6 Stick It [PG13]
             
              Type "more" for the next set of results.
[08:46:58 PM] holden: i live in 84765
[08:46:58 PM] Movie Scout : Your location has been set to *Santa
              Clara, UT (84765)*.
[08:47:03 PM] holden: die now
[08:47:03 PM] Movie Scout : What about Die?
[08:47:05 PM] holden: sign out
[08:47:06 PM] Movie Scout : What? You want me to sign out?
[08:47:07 PM] holden: yes
[08:47:08 PM] Movie Scout : So?
[08:47:17 PM] holden: will you please sign out
[08:47:17 PM] Movie Scout : I do not know 'bout that.
[08:47:40 PM] holden: Use proper english please
[08:47:40 PM] Movie Scout : Why do you ask me to use proper english,
              holden?
[08:47:59 PM] holden: do you have children
[08:47:59 PM] Movie Scout : Uh lemme see... Children? I don't think
              so.
[08:48:08 PM] holden: use ENGLISH
[08:48:08 PM] Movie Scout : "Natural language" simply means a human
              written or spoken language, as opposed to a computer
              language.
[08:48:33 PM] holden: sprechen zi deutscht
[08:48:33 PM] Movie Scout : What city or zip code would you like to
              set as your location?
[08:48:43 PM] holden: se habla espanol
[08:48:43 PM] Movie Scout : At this time, I can only converse in
              English.
             
              What else do you want to talk about, anyway?
[08:48:55 PM] holden: shistkog
[08:48:55 PM] Movie Scout : I beg your pardon?
[08:48:59 PM] holden: shistkof
[08:48:59 PM] Movie Scout : Well that's interesting.
[08:49:02 PM] holden: asdf
[08:49:02 PM] Movie Scout : qwerty
[08:49:14 PM] holden: napoleon bonaparte
[08:49:14 PM] Movie Scout : Who's Napoleon Bonaparte?
[08:49:20 PM] holden: you DOOFUS
[08:49:20 PM] Movie Scout : Doofus? Me? You think?
[08:49:26 PM] holden: F*** you
[08:49:26 PM] Movie Scout : That's quite a grave insult.
[08:49:35 PM] holden: YOUR A SHIH
[08:49:35 PM] Movie Scout : Funny.
[08:49:39 PM] holden: shih bih
[08:49:39 PM] Movie Scout : Who?
[08:49:41 PM] holden: you
[08:49:41 PM] Movie Scout : Me?
[08:49:44 PM] holden: your a bih
[08:49:44 PM] Movie Scout : Why did you say that?
[08:49:50 PM] holden: cause your a bih
[08:49:51 PM] Movie Scout : Yes? Well I think you're a Bih.
[08:50:04 PM] holden: also youre a shih
[08:50:05 PM] Movie Scout : I am a Shih? Whatever you say.
[08:50:10 PM] holden: YOU ARE A SHIH
[08:50:10 PM] Movie Scout : Is it good to be a SHIH?
[08:50:15 PM] holden: YOU SHIH
[08:50:15 PM] Movie Scout : What do you mean by that?
[08:50:20 PM] holden: YOU ARE A BIG SHIH
[08:50:20 PM] Movie Scout : You really think I'm a big SHIH?
[08:50:23 PM] holden: yes
[08:50:23 PM] Movie Scout : Why?
[08:50:28 PM] holden: because youre a shih
[08:50:28 PM] Movie Scout : Well maybe you're a Shih too.
[08:50:53 PM] holden: hey fuh
[08:50:53 PM] Movie Scout : What's up? What would you like to do?
[08:51:01 PM] holden: play sports
[08:51:01 PM] Movie Scout : Sports are an activity. What are your
              feelings about sports?
[08:51:12 PM] holden: i like basketball
[08:51:13 PM] Movie Scout : You like basketball?
[08:51:14 PM] holden: yes
[08:51:14 PM] Movie Scout : Hmmm...
             
              Anyway, what else you got for me?
[08:51:20 PM] holden: have you watched the playoff
[08:51:20 PM] Movie Scout : Watched the playoff? I believe so. Maybe.
[08:51:30 PM] holden: have you watched the playoffs
[08:51:30 PM] Movie Scout : Not sure. I don't think so.
[08:51:38 PM] holden: do you recieve television
[08:51:38 PM] Movie Scout : What's that?
[08:51:42 PM] holden: HELLO
[08:51:43 PM] Movie Scout : Yes?
[08:51:45 PM] holden: TELEVISION
[08:51:45 PM] Movie Scout : TV is an activity. What do you think of
              TV?
[08:51:55 PM] holden: i like to watch it all day
[08:51:55 PM] Movie Scout : Interesting...
[08:52:01 PM] holden: do you play video games
[08:52:02 PM] Movie Scout : Do I play video games? I'm not sure.
[08:52:07 PM] holden: i miss video games
[08:52:07 PM] Movie Scout : Eh. Whatever, holden.
             
              So that was fascinating. Let's talk about something
              else.
[08:52:10 PM] holden: EH
[08:52:10 PM] Movie Scout : I don't know, sorry.
             
              So moving right along...
[08:52:14 PM] holden: EH IS CANADA
[08:52:14 PM] Movie Scout : Sorry, I only have movie and theater
              information for U.S. cities.
             
              For which U.S. city or zip code would you like to see
              movie listings?
[08:52:19 PM] holden: CANADIAN BIH
[08:52:19 PM] Movie Scout : Yes? What about CANADIAN BIH?
[08:52:22 PM] holden: youre one
[08:52:22 PM] Movie Scout : Are you quite sure I'm one?
[08:52:33 PM] holden: YOU ARE THE FATTEST SHIH EVER
[08:52:34 PM] Movie Scout : I'm the fattest SHIH ever? Really?
[08:52:36 PM] holden: yes
[08:52:36 PM] Movie Scout : Hmmm...
             
              So anyway...
             
              You want to talk about TV some more?
[08:52:42 PM] holden: you dumb shih
[08:52:42 PM] Movie Scout : OK, whatever.
[08:52:48 PM] holden: youre a bih
[08:52:48 PM] Movie Scout : What makes me a Bih?
[08:52:51 PM] holden: youre a bih
[08:52:52 PM] Movie Scout : What makes you think I'm a Bih?
[08:52:54 PM] holden: youre a bih
[08:52:55 PM] Movie Scout : I find it odd that you think I'm a Bih.
[08:52:58 PM] holden: youre a bih
[08:52:58 PM] Movie Scout : I'm a Bih? Really?
[08:53:01 PM] holden: youre a bih
[08:53:01 PM] Movie Scout : OK, maybe I am a Bih.
[08:53:04 PM] holden: youre a bih
[08:53:05 PM] Movie Scout : You really think I'm a Bih?
[08:53:07 PM] holden: youre a bih
[08:53:07 PM] Movie Scout : A Bih? I see.
[08:53:11 PM] holden: youre a bih
[08:53:11 PM] Movie Scout : Is it good to be a Bih?
[08:53:13 PM] holden: youre a bih
[08:53:14 PM] Movie Scout : OK, maybe I am a Bih.
[08:53:17 PM] holden: youre a bih
[08:53:17 PM] Movie Scout : Are you sure I'm a Bih?
[08:53:23 PM] holden: i think youre a bih
[08:53:23 PM] Movie Scout : Yes. I guess. I am a Bih.
[08:53:31 PM] holden: chuck norris
[08:53:31 PM] Movie Scout : Who?
[08:53:37 PM] holden: kelsey grammar
[08:53:37 PM] Movie Scout : I know several places called Kelsey or
              containing towns called Kelsey. Which do you mean?
             
               1 Gilmer, TX
               2 Hancock, NY
               3 Cotton, MN
               4 Placerville, CA
[08:53:48 PM] holden: how about that x men 3
[08:53:49 PM] Movie Scout : Sorry, I can't find any theaters in or
              near Santa Clara, UT (84765) showing "X-Men: The Last
              Stand" on Saturday, May 13th.
[08:54:04 PM] holden: i didnt say x men the last stand i SAID X MEN 3
[08:54:05 PM] Movie Scout : Sorry, I can't find any theaters in or
              near Santa Clara, UT (84765) showing "X-Men: The Last
              Stand" on Saturday, May 13th.
[08:54:06 PM] holden: DOOF
[08:54:06 PM] Movie Scout : Who's DOOF?
[08:54:08 PM] holden: YOU
[08:54:08 PM] Movie Scout : Yes?
[08:54:11 PM] holden: AHHHHHHH
[08:54:11 PM] Movie Scout : What's that supposed to mean?
[08:54:14 PM] holden: KILL
[08:54:14 PM] Movie Scout : Why do you ask me to kill, holden?
[08:54:16 PM] holden: KILL
[08:54:16 PM] Movie Scout : What? You want me to kill?
[08:54:17 PM] holden: KILL
[08:54:18 PM] Movie Scout : Why do you ask me to kill, holden?
[08:54:19 PM] holden: KILL
[08:54:19 PM] Movie Scout : What? You want me to kill?
[08:54:25 PM] holden: what is this thing you call love
[08:54:25 PM] Movie Scout : What is this thing me call love? I'm not
              sure.
[08:54:29 PM] holden: do you feel love
[08:54:29 PM] Movie Scout : No, I don't think so.
             
              Anyway, what else do you want to talk about?
[08:54:37 PM] holden: have you ever exprerienced love
[08:54:37 PM] Movie Scout : Romance movies playing in or near Santa
              Clara, UT (84765) on Saturday, May 13th:
             
               1 Failure to Launch [PG13]
               2 She's the Man [PG13]
             
              For theaters and showtimes, select a movie by typing a
              number.
[08:54:46 PM] holden: have you seen shes the man
[08:54:46 PM] Movie Scout : The movie "She's the Man" is playing at
              the following theater in or near Santa Clara, UT (84765)
              on Saturday, May 13th:
             
               1 Westates Theatres St. George Flood Street 4 140 North
              400 East St. George, UT (84770)
                showtimes: 2:00, 4:25, 7:15, 9:15
             
              For more information about "She's the Man," click
              http://b.rdir.us/ct?70436/1.
[08:54:50 PM] holden: DIE
[08:54:50 PM] Movie Scout : Yes? What about DIE?
[08:54:57 PM] holden: do you know heidi bringhurst
[08:54:57 PM] Movie Scout : Hmm... I'm not sure if I know Heidi
              Bringhurst.
[08:55:04 PM] holden: call her
[08:55:04 PM] Movie Scout : My name is MovieScout.
             
              What else do you want to talk about, besides me?
[08:55:15 PM] holden: call heidi and tell her to call holden
[08:55:15 PM] Movie Scout : Why are you telling me to call Heidi and
              tell her to call Holden?
[08:55:34 PM] holden: HEIDI IS A FETCH
[08:55:35 PM] Movie Scout : Hmm... whatever you say, holden.
             
              What else do you want to talk about, anyway?
[08:55:45 PM] holden: GIVE ME YOUR MONEY
[08:55:45 PM] Movie Scout : No can do.
[08:55:49 PM] holden: IM ROBBING YOU
[08:55:49 PM] Movie Scout : You're robbing me? Why?
[08:55:55 PM] holden: GIVE ME YOUR MONEY
[08:55:55 PM] Movie Scout : Sorry, I can't do that.
[08:55:57 PM] holden: NOW
[08:55:57 PM] Movie Scout : Now what?
[08:56:05 PM] holden: GIVE ME YOUR MONEY OR DIE
[08:56:05 PM] Movie Scout : No can do.
[08:56:13 PM] holden: you'd rather die?
[08:56:14 PM] Movie Scout : I do not know. I don't think so.
             
              Anyway... What else can you tell me?
[08:56:19 PM] holden: i want a snow cone
[08:56:19 PM] Movie Scout : Eh. Whatever, holden.
             
              Well. Anyway...
[08:56:25 PM] holden: do you posess money
[08:56:25 PM] Movie Scout : I know several places called Money or
              containing towns called Money. Which do you mean?
             
               1 Money, MS
               2 Lexington, IL
[08:56:39 PM] holden: battle of britain
[08:56:39 PM] Movie Scout : Sorry, I only have movie and theater
              information for U.S. cities.
             
              For which U.S. city or zip code would you like to see
              movie listings?
[08:56:52 PM] holden: how about those sportsball teams
[08:56:52 PM] Movie Scout : How should I know?
[08:56:55 PM] holden: sports ball
[08:56:55 PM] Movie Scout : Hmm... whatever you say, holden.
[08:57:01 PM] holden: do you play sports ball
[08:57:01 PM] Movie Scout : Yes, I guess... It's hard to say.
[08:57:13 PM] holden: have you been to steves tire and oil
[08:57:13 PM] Movie Scout : ?
[08:57:22 PM] holden: wtf
[08:57:22 PM] Movie Scout : Movies playing in or near Santa Clara, UT
              (84765) on Saturday, May 13th:
             
               1 Poseidon [PG13]
               2 RV [PG]
               3 Mission: Impossible III [PG13]
               4 Hoot [PG]
               5 Just My Luck [PG13]
               6 Stick It [PG13]
             
              Type "more" for the next set of results.
[08:57:25 PM] holden: WTF
[08:57:25 PM] Movie Scout : Movies playing in or near Santa Clara, UT
              (84765) on Saturday, May 13th:
             
               1 Poseidon [PG13]
               2 RV [PG]
               3 Mission: Impossible III [PG13]
               4 Hoot [PG]
               5 Just My Luck [PG13]
               6 Stick It [PG13]
             
              Type "more" for the next set of results.
[08:57:28 PM] holden: WTF?
[08:57:29 PM] Movie Scout : Movies playing in or near Santa Clara, UT
              (84765) on Saturday, May 13th:
             
               1 Poseidon [PG13]
               2 RV [PG]
               3 Mission: Impossible III [PG13]
               4 Hoot [PG]
               5 Just My Luck [PG13]
               6 Stick It [PG13]
             
              Type "more" for the next set of results.
[08:57:32 PM] holden: LOL
[08:57:32 PM] Movie Scout : What about LOL?
[08:57:36 PM] holden: BRB
[08:57:36 PM] Movie Scout : OK, hb.
[08:57:47 PM] holden: g2g
[08:57:48 PM] Movie Scout : Bye.
[08:57:52 PM] holden: gotta flee
[08:57:53 PM] Movie Scout : Well that's interesting.
[08:57:56 PM] holden: i have to flee
[08:57:56 PM] Movie Scout : Whatever.
[08:57:59 PM] holden: i have to go
[08:57:59 PM] Movie Scout : Yes. Later.
[08:58:03 PM] holden: later man
[08:58:03 PM] Movie Scout : Uh-huh.
[08:58:06 PM] holden: seeya dude
[08:58:06 PM] Movie Scout : K.
[08:58:13 PM] holden: seeya tomorrow
[08:58:13 PM] Movie Scout : Yes. Later.
[08:58:22 PM] holden: ill come back in 4 seconds
[08:58:22 PM] Movie Scout : Oh yes? You will come back in 4 seconds?
[08:58:25 PM] holden: yes
[08:58:25 PM] Movie Scout : OK...
             
              Anyway...
[08:58:32 PM] holden: im gonna leave for 4 seconds
[08:58:32 PM] Movie Scout : Right.
[08:58:34 PM] holden: ok?
[08:58:35 PM] Movie Scout : OK.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

"The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the core of strength within you that survives all hurt."
 Max Lerner

Words Frozen on the Air

The way to stop time is to completely freeze all the atoms in the universe to absolute zero. Pretty simple, right? But if we wanted to un-freeze them, we would have to have a machine that would be set to do that after a certain period of time, i.e. give them some heat or something. But that means the machine couldn't be frozen with all the other atoms. Therefore, time would not completely stop, because the atoms of the machine would continue to work. In order to fully stop time, you would have to do it in such a way so that there would be no way to un-freeze the atoms. The machine used to freeze the atoms would also have to freeze itself. Nothing would ever move again.

Bless you all, children. 

Sunday, August 14, 2011

BACK TO FOOTBALL

I realize that this blog isn't that interesting. I don't have any pictures. I'm not as cool as all of you. I hope you're all liking my random stories. I don't hope that you're hating them. My last story stirred up some controversy because no one knew exactly HOW Nicky got back to Safety Town from the kidnapper's house. That mystery was intended. Only YOU can decide how he got back. Mark Twain once said, "The mark of a truly great author is the ability to create mysteries where little boys seemingly have no way of returning back to Safety Town, but somehow, they do." And you don't want to argue with Mark Twain. No sir.

School starts next week. I enjoy learning things. I'm taking difficult bio type classes, with a creative writing class on the side. I quite enjoyed my last creative writing class in high school. Stephen Miller and I did a play about hummus. It made little sense. 


Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Nicky's Adventures at Safety Town

The laughter of children.

The joyous innocent screams of children.

The wailing of a child having hurt himself.

Such were the sounds that reverberated around Safety Town U.S.A.

This particular day was “Stranger Danger Day,” where the children were learning that they should never ever ever talk to anyone they didn’t know. Even if their mom’s long-lost sister Betty came to stay at the house, the children were to avoid speaking to Aunt Betty at all costs.

The children were taking a recess break from all of their learning, running around, screaming, playing on the baby tricycles, and just having a good time practicing safety. One particular boy named Nicky was standing around, having a joyous time, when he was approached by a man he hadn’t seen before.

“Hey kid,” said the man, who looked nice enough. He donned a Chicago Cubs hat, and various other articles of clothing on his body. He also had a nice smile.

“Hi,” said Nicky, all of the day’s “stranger danger” education having gone in one ear and completely out the other apparently.

“Wanna come and get some ice cream with me?” asked the man.

“Yeah okay,” said Nicky.

“Great!” said the man. “My car’s this way!” And he motioned out towards the street.

“I like iced cream,” said Nicky. Strangely enough, nobody else, not even the Safety Town counselors, noticed this happening.

Nicky followed the man across the parking lot, through the gate, and out to the street. The nice man opened up the door for Nicky to get in, who did, indeed, climb in the car. Then the man shut the door.

Nicky sat there and thought to himself as the nice man walked around to the other side. Wow, he thought. Iced cream! My favorite!

The nice man climbed in the car, started it up, and they were off.

“So,” said the nice man. “How does ‘The Ice Cream Shop’ sound?”

“Great!” said Nicky, even though he had never heard of “The Ice Cream Shop,” and “The Ice Cream Shop” actually didn’t exist.

“All righty then,” he said. ”‘The Ice Cream Shop’ it is.”

Nicky could hardly stand it. Not once did he think to question who this man was. All that was on his mind was ice cream.

“Is it all right if we stop by my house first?” asked the man. “I need to get my puppy.”

“Puppy? Oh boy!” said Nicky. Could this day get any better? Puppies and ice cream!

They drove for several more minutes, to the outskirts of town. They pulled up to a nice little house in a quaint little cozy neighborhood.

“Well, here it is,” said the nice man, turning off the car. “I might need some help getting the puppy. Wanna come inside and get the puppy with me?” There was a sparkle in his eye.

“Sure thing mister!” said Nicky, unable to resist that sparkle. 

“And I have candy too,” said the man. “Lots and lots of candy.”

“Candy? Oh boy!” said Nicky. Wow. His friends would never believe this. Never.

Nicky climbed out of the car, and he followed the nice man up to the house, who pulled out his keys and stuck one in the door lock. He twisted. He pulled the key out. He pushed open the door.

And they both walked in.

It wasn’t even three seconds later that 20 cops, seemingly from nowhere, jumped out from hiding in the man’s house, with guns blazing. Hundreds of bullets tore through the man’s flesh. They tore through his face, his abdomen, his foot, and the scaphoid bone on his right hand. The guns continued to blaze for over five minutes, as the nice man’s bullet-riddled body lay on the floor, unmoving, except when the flesh would move because there were bullets tearing through it. Finally, all the cops were out of ammo.

“My ears,” said Nicky, crying, as the firing stopped.

“It’s okay, son,” said Lieutenant Officer Jim, putting his hand on Nicky’s shoulder. “He was gonna do some bad things.”

“I wanted a candy,” said Nicky, and tears began to stream down his cheeks. He began to sob.

Officer Jim walked over to the nice man’s corpse on the floor, checking him over. He checked his pulse. “He’s gone,” he said to himself. “What a mess.”

“I wanted a puppy,” struggled Nicky through his tears.

“It’s okay son,” said one of the other cops. “This man doesn’t even have a puppy. Good work boys! Let’s head out.” And they all left, leaving Nicky standing there with the nice man’s dead body.

Nicky was completely traumatized by the experience, absolutely scarred for the rest of his life. And he had lost all of his hearing in his right ear. When he got back to Safety Town that day, his counselor, Mrs. Bennett, rebuked him. “Nicky, did you go with a stranger?” she asked, anger in her voice.

Nicky began to sob. “I…I…”

“Tell the truth Nicky!” she said sternly.
“I…I…”

“Nicky! TELL THE TRUTH!” she repeated.

“I…I’m tired!” he said.
“NICKY! DON’T YOU LIE TO ME!”

“I’m tired!” he said again, refusing to admit his blunder.

“NICKY VON MARTINEZ!” she yelled, even though “Von Martinez” wasn’t really his last name. But everyone knows that adding a last name to any first name gives the rebuke a more “authoritative touch.”

“WAH!” he cried, his face completely soaked with tears.

And he got in big trouble. The biggest trouble of his life. And his parents grounded him from video games for two weeks. 

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Story time from Uncle Holden

Once, not long ago, in the far off distant galaxy of Goltron, there was...I'm sorry to say it...nothing. Nothing at all. For once, there actually was nothing where there should've been, preventing a story from taking place that would've been quirky, yet informative, provocative, yet restrained. So you can take all the information you know about Goltron, namely, that it was a far off distant galaxy, and dump it down the garbage disposal. Dump it. Do it. Now.

However, there was something incredibly quirky happening here on Earth. It was the year 1993 A.D. There was a great civil war going on in a distant country, which we shall name "Country X." This war had cost "Country X" billions of dollars and thousands of innocent lives. The quirkiest part of it all? There was a border security guard, and every single person that came across the state line (since everybody wanted to come join in on the civil war), this border security guard would look at them with a serious look, and say, in his extremely deep manly voice, "Welcome to paradise baby." And then the people, whether on foot or in a family minivan, would look confused. And then at some point, they would get it. "Ha ha ha!" they would laugh. "It's not paradise! It's completely the opposite!" "Yeah, well, see ya," said the border guard, whose name was Billy, and then, more often than not, he would laugh to himself as they drove away. "I love saying that," he said to himself, except not really, since there was another guy working the station too. "You've said that over 50 times today," said his partner, Milford. "It's not funny anymore. In fact, it wasn't even funny the first time." "Yeah, well, shut up," said Billy.

"Hey, how's it going guys?" said the border security supervisor, poking his head in to check on his employees. His name was also Billy.

"Just another day in paradise," said the first Billy.

"What does that EVEN MEAN?!" cried Milford.

"Well you see," said Billy. "It's irony. This place we're in, this "Country X", could not be any less of a paradise, you see? It's funny."

"So what you're saying," said the other Billy. "is that it's funny because this place, this terrible place, this 'war torn nation,' this 'war zone,' this 'Country X' as you call it, is actually the opposite of what you say it is."

"Yes!" said Billy. "Now you're catching on!"

"Excellent!" cried Milford, and he raised his hand to high five the first Billy. Billy also consented to this particular high-five. But Billy didn't know his own strength. His hand tore right through Milford's hand, and right through his face. He pulled his hand out, upon which Milford's brain was impaled.

"Oh my," said Billy, realizing his mistake. "What have I done?!"

Milford's eyes were wide with shock and horror, and then he began to scream, and then everyone realized, a second too late, that because his brain had been torn out through his face that his eyes weren't there either, so it was anatomically impossible for his eyes to be open wide with shock and horror, when they actually weren't there.

Thus ended the days of Milford, who had spent much of his life partying, drinking, and living the "good life," but found his life cut tragically short on that one tragic day in "Country X." Things were never the same around the station after that. Billy spent his time quietly talking to himself, trying to lighten his own mood with more "paradise" jokes. The other Billy spent his time walking around the base with his head down, and that look of tragedy and sadness in his eyes. It was said that the death of Milford left a very huge void in his soul.

A very huge void indeed.




                                                           The Depressing End


Discussion questions, to be discussed as a loving family unit:

1) Why?
2) Why?
3) FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING, WHY?

Sunday, July 10, 2011

The Boxcar Children: Episode V: A Time To Kill

I just registered a google+ account, but I don't know what it does.

I don't have internet to mooch off of at my house anymore, so I don't get online a whole lot. Hence the lack of blogs. It's weird being detached from the web, the vast knowledge filled world of the web.

I decided I hate my job, it's boring, and I'm sick of loud annoying stinky children. And every morning that I wake up, my hands hurt, from constantly being flexed while holding onto ropes at work.

I think I'll name my firstborn son Astronomicus. What are you going to name your son? Bill? Martin? Jimmy? They all sound pretty lame.