The Hilarious Misadventures of Gerald
Once upon a time (or maybe it was twice), there was a cockroach named Gerald. He would appear randomly in the bedrooms of heroic protagonists who were at their wits’ end, and didn’t know how to solve the problems in their lives. With his experience, wisdom, and treasured counsel, he would show them that there was more to life than video games, potato chips, beautiful women, and bagels. There was more to life than ascending the corporate ladder and doing whatever it took to get to the top. Then, as he thought about it more and more, there actually really wasn’t anything more than beautiful women and bagels. Video games and potato chips, yes. But on the others, he changed his mind. “Changed his mind?” you say. “When did he change his mind?” Oh, just barely. Seconds ago actually.
“You see, there’s this girl I like,” said Bruce Collins, a 17-year-old with hormones just absolutely out of control!
“Say no more,” said Gerald. “You need to smooch her. ON THE MOUTH.”
“Golly, that sounds awfully rushed,” responded Bruce.
“DON’T QUESTION ME!” yelled Gerald. And his antennae danced. They always danced when he got angry.
“All righty then,” said Bruce. “I’ll do it.”
And then Gerald disappeared into the darkness of Bruce’s closet. His advice, though somewhat unorthodox, was always the answer.
“Thanks Gerald!” Bruce called after him. But he was gone.
A couple nights later, he was in the bedroom of one Steve Mutz. Steve was 36, married, had two kids, and was dissatisfied with his marriage.
“I really love my wife, I do,” said Steve. “But it just drives me completely insane how bad she smells! All the time! And I don’t know how to break it to her.”
“A good question,” said Gerald. “But a better answer. You need to smooch her. ON THE MOUTH.”
“Ummm…”said Steve. “I can’t see how that’s going to help.”
“WHO’S THE EXPERT HERE?!” Gerald yelled, furious, his antennae dancing every which way. “DON’T MAKE ME POOP IN YOUR SHOES!”
“Yes sir,” said Steve. Just then, Steve’s wife burst through the door.
“How could you Steve?!” she cried, upon seeing Gerald on the floor. “You’re always talking to that stupid cockroach! But you never talk to me!”
“Now honey, you know that’s not true,” said Steve, doing his best to reassure her. But was it really his best?
Gerald turned to flee, sensing danger, but he was too slow.
A shoe, Steve’s actually, wielded by Steve’s wife, was coming down on top of him.
“Uh oh,” said Gerald, seconds before he was smashed like a pancake, only a pancake filled with blood, brain tissue, internal organs, and covered by a chitonous exoskeleton that makes a satisfying crunch sound upon impact.
Thus, Gerald’s reign of terror ended, by the very shoe he swore he would poop in.
The relationship of Steve and his wife, however, did not end. In fact, it only grew stronger. Steve’s wife began wearing good-smelling perfume and deodorant, and she brushed her teeth after every meal. Their love strengthened, to the point that nothing could shake it. Not a thing.
Bruce Collins, though a little socially awkward, got that kiss he wanted. And then he got slapped. But that’s okay. Bruce went on to play basketball in the NBA, where he led the Detroit Pistons to consecutive NBA titles. During one particular postgame interview, a question was asked, relating to what was going through his head during one of the game’s last plays, where he made a clutch shot. “I was measuring it the whole time, I knew I had to knock it down,” he said. And truer words were never spoken.
Countless others, who had been blessed to be counseled by the great cockroach Gerald, also went on to have miraculous stories of success in their lives. It seemed as though Gerald’s spirit lived on in the lives of those he touched.
Questions for discussion as a loving family unit---
1) How can we apply Gerald's heroic example to our lives?
2) Have you ever actually smashed a pancake? Explain.
3) Why is it important that we ascend the corporate ladder and do whatever it takes to get to the top? Even if it means...murder???
4) Is there a secret you're withholding from your own wife that could possibly mean the end of your marriage? Explain.
“You see, there’s this girl I like,” said Bruce Collins, a 17-year-old with hormones just absolutely out of control!
“Say no more,” said Gerald. “You need to smooch her. ON THE MOUTH.”
“Golly, that sounds awfully rushed,” responded Bruce.
“DON’T QUESTION ME!” yelled Gerald. And his antennae danced. They always danced when he got angry.
“All righty then,” said Bruce. “I’ll do it.”
And then Gerald disappeared into the darkness of Bruce’s closet. His advice, though somewhat unorthodox, was always the answer.
“Thanks Gerald!” Bruce called after him. But he was gone.
A couple nights later, he was in the bedroom of one Steve Mutz. Steve was 36, married, had two kids, and was dissatisfied with his marriage.
“I really love my wife, I do,” said Steve. “But it just drives me completely insane how bad she smells! All the time! And I don’t know how to break it to her.”
“A good question,” said Gerald. “But a better answer. You need to smooch her. ON THE MOUTH.”
“Ummm…”said Steve. “I can’t see how that’s going to help.”
“WHO’S THE EXPERT HERE?!” Gerald yelled, furious, his antennae dancing every which way. “DON’T MAKE ME POOP IN YOUR SHOES!”
“Yes sir,” said Steve. Just then, Steve’s wife burst through the door.
“How could you Steve?!” she cried, upon seeing Gerald on the floor. “You’re always talking to that stupid cockroach! But you never talk to me!”
“Now honey, you know that’s not true,” said Steve, doing his best to reassure her. But was it really his best?
Gerald turned to flee, sensing danger, but he was too slow.
A shoe, Steve’s actually, wielded by Steve’s wife, was coming down on top of him.
“Uh oh,” said Gerald, seconds before he was smashed like a pancake, only a pancake filled with blood, brain tissue, internal organs, and covered by a chitonous exoskeleton that makes a satisfying crunch sound upon impact.
Thus, Gerald’s reign of terror ended, by the very shoe he swore he would poop in.
The relationship of Steve and his wife, however, did not end. In fact, it only grew stronger. Steve’s wife began wearing good-smelling perfume and deodorant, and she brushed her teeth after every meal. Their love strengthened, to the point that nothing could shake it. Not a thing.
Bruce Collins, though a little socially awkward, got that kiss he wanted. And then he got slapped. But that’s okay. Bruce went on to play basketball in the NBA, where he led the Detroit Pistons to consecutive NBA titles. During one particular postgame interview, a question was asked, relating to what was going through his head during one of the game’s last plays, where he made a clutch shot. “I was measuring it the whole time, I knew I had to knock it down,” he said. And truer words were never spoken.
Countless others, who had been blessed to be counseled by the great cockroach Gerald, also went on to have miraculous stories of success in their lives. It seemed as though Gerald’s spirit lived on in the lives of those he touched.
The End
Questions for discussion as a loving family unit---
1) How can we apply Gerald's heroic example to our lives?
2) Have you ever actually smashed a pancake? Explain.
3) Why is it important that we ascend the corporate ladder and do whatever it takes to get to the top? Even if it means...murder???
4) Is there a secret you're withholding from your own wife that could possibly mean the end of your marriage? Explain.
posted by HLR | May 29, 2011
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