Autobiography (Written in Adult Roles class, 2005)

It has often been argued that I was born on the 6^th of June, 1987. I came into existence on a cold summer day, not BREATHING for fetch sakes, so as you may be able to understand, I almost died. Be thankful that I am here writing this autobiography today. So I survived that ordeal for some reason. Sucker.

I was born into a family of three doofus brothers. The oldest is Ben. He’s married to a Japanese woman. She hates me with a passion, holy crap. But everybody else thinks she’s the biggest angel. Sheridan is after Ben. He’s arrogant and chews food really really loud. He also likes Bruce Lee, a deceased kung fu master who starred in many movies and made noises like chickens being slaughtered whenever he punched and kicked people. Nick is also included in the family. He grunts like a water buffalo and listens to EFY cd’s. My parents are silly, in the sense that my dad, a Skywest pilot, often goofs around with the other pilots when he’s supposed to be flying. This goofing around also includes taking pictures of themselves with KKK masks on. My mom is fun, my grandpa hates gay people and communists, and we are one big wacky family.

When I was in kindergarten, I had four girlfriends. FOUR!!! Nobody, looking at me today, can even believe this. It does make sense though, because after first grade, my girlfriend output just kind of went KAPOONK (that noise exactly) right down the crapper. These days, I hang out with hilarious friends wherein Person A is in love with Person B, but Person B is actually in love with Person C, so Person A, being the vengeful sort, often runs off with Person D, making Person E quite upset since Person A held her hand, but Person B actually just held hands with Person F, making Person C want to kill Person F, who recently made out with Person G a night after snuggling with Person H, in which Person I was made pretty upset. Pretty simple, you know?

The real purpose of life, though, is not friends, but goals. Future plans, if you will. The only plan I have in the future is going on a mission next June, and I pretty much CANNOT see what the crap will happen after that. Frankly, I don’t want to, because girls are evil and that’s pretty much what happens in life after a mission. However, I DO want to become a journalist of some sort in life, even though I am really really bad at journalism and everybody thinks I am such a good writer, while in fact I am scared to death of talking to people I’ve never seen before. Maybe I shouldn’t go into that field. Maybe I should just stick with my old goal of trying to win a million bucks somehow so I don’t have to worry about a future. Ha ha ha. Yeah, I tell you what.

Of course, life is not complete without influences. I have been influenced by the smell of gasoline, the smell of old people, the smell of airports…yeah, smell is a big influence in my life. If the school hallway smells like an airport, I can tell you exactly what airport it is. This can include St. George, Cedar City, Denver, Salt Lake, Pocatello…I know them all. Oh, and I’ve also been influenced by humans, such as church leaders. They teach me to follow principles and such that will ultimately make me happier in life. I have ALSO been influenced by my friends…for the WORSE that is! HA HA HA! They have taught me how to be a jerk and how to treat girls like objects. Of course, I don’t follow them. I’m not a sheep. I’m a mountain goat. Baaaa. Baaaa. This is Holden Green, signing off. You have a nice day.