RAINBOW’S END (written circa 2005 A.D.)

BOOK ONE: THE RAINBOW COVENANT

1

"Rough first day, eh?"
The gruff, fearsome, yet gentle, voice of Chief Swift brought Joe to his senses. He’d been sitting at his desk, lost in thought, contemplating the day’s events.
"Have a smoke," said Chief, pulling out a Cuban Montecristo. Chief wasn’t young. His 18 years here at the station had taken a weathering toll on him, not to mention five Cubans a day. If you weren’t smokin, you weren’t livin, he always used to say. It was evident that he was slowing down.
"Thanks," said Joe, taking the stogie. He then proceeded to eat it, confused at what to do.
"Nah, nah, like this," said Swift, pulling out a lighter and igniting the end of it as it dangled in Joe’s mouth. He inhaled his own smoke, then puffed it out with satisfying vigor. Joe had much to learn. The first day being a cop was never an easy job. Joe’s first partner, Rex Snider, had gotten a few shots taken at him as they tried to bust up some Columbian druglords. Snider assured him, after, that the job would only get tougher. He then offered him a smoke.
Chief Swift plopped down on a couch by the door of the office, letting out a deep breath. He reeked of breath. "So uh..." said Chief, looking around the office. "Got any kids?"
Joe shook his head. “Yeah, a couple a little buggers. What about you?”
“I don’t talk about them,” he replied coldly, catching Joe off guard. He pulled at his collar and gulped. “Yeah, pretty funny,” said Chief Swift. “New funny guy at the station, eh?” He laughed.
“Heh…heh,” laughed Joe hesitantly. Adjusting to Chief Swift’s zany humor was going to be a whole new adventure in itself. If not, he would end up like the other five cops who didn’t adjust. They had been fired…literally. This station was not for the weak.
Chief Swift pulled himself off the couch. “Here,” he said, tossing another Montecristo onto Joe’s desk. “It’ll help you sleep.” With that, he headed for the door. He opened it, then stopped and turned around, noticing the name-plaque on Joe’s desk. “Joe Rainbow, eh? I like it,” he said. Then he turned and vanished out the door.
Joe lit up the cigar and shoved it in his mouth.
“Joe Rainbow…” he said, studying the plaque. “I like it.” After several puffs, his eyelids grew heavy, and sleep came upon the rookie cop within a matter of seconds.

2

COCKADOODLEDOO!!!
The cock crewed.
The execution was about to begin.
In the early evening sunlight, a raucous crowd gathered in the town square of Beaver Dam.They'd all had several drinks, and the party was beginning.
"BURN HIM!" came the shrill cry of a woman. Her face was twisted, her body contorted...an ideal woman. "BURN HIM!"
Seconds later, the prisoner appeared, being dragged along by two gruff men. They led him forth through the mob. "SCUM!" cried a four-year-old child, throwing a toilet at him. The prisoner grimaced as the bidet pelted him. Another object flew through the air and hit his face. He wasn't sure what, as he was now numb to the pain. Probably just a Buick, he supposed.
Then it was a ham sandwich. The mob roared in triumph. The prisoner, humiliated, pulled a grenade out of his pocket. "Take this FAGS!" he yelled, yanking out the pin and hucking it into the crowd. An explosion rocked the town square, body parts and ligaments flying every which way. The rest of the crowd roared with laughter. The guards strengthened their grips on him and dragged him to the platform in the middle of the square, and threw him down. He spit out some grass.
"BUMBLING FOOL!" cried a Hell's Angel, chucking a Harley motorcycle at him.
Right then, the executioner appeared. He was nicely dressed, with a speedo complimenting his soft midsection and a lunch sack on his head. In his hands, he carried a stout ax. It gleamed in all its glory. The executioner marched up to the platform. He was slightly menacing.
"BURN HIM!" cried a man in a business suit, shaking his briefcase. "BURRRRRN!"
This thoroughly confused the executioner, as he was holding an ax. As he pondered this turn of events, somebody started playing the triumphant theme song to the hit film Independence Day.
"WHAAA?!" cried the executioner.
"Look up there!" yelled a child in a sexy evening gown, pointing to the sky.
"Annnd...CUT!" cried the director from behind the crowd. "That was just total crap!"
There was silence from the angry mob for several seconds. Then, a shout rang out.
"BURN HIM!" came the cry. The crowd roared in triumph as the director of the movie they were supposed to be filming was brought forward and burned.
Joe Rainbow had been watching the scene from his office window, not a block down the street. He grimaced, pained for his town. The lawlessness of Beaver Dam was just out of control. He vowed, then and there, to clean up this crime dump.

3

“HELL!”
The kids froze in silent shock as their Sunday School teacher answered their question…Where is Lyndon B. Johnson now?
As they pondered this turn of events, the door to the room burst open, and in came Joe Rainbow, everybody’s favorite deputy sheriff. He stopped, pulled out his .44 Colt, and fired several shots into the air. The children screamed and plugged their ears, and the Sunday School teacher (his name was Corporal Brown) dived to the floor.
“HELL!” he cried again. It was the only word he knew how to say.
“Yeah, well,” said Joe Rainbow, lowering the smoking gun. “I’m looking for my wife.”
“HELL!” cried Corporal Brown.
Joe Rainbow, discouraged, exited the room.
It was a beautiful spring day outside, but no one cared. There weren’t any happy people out wandering around saying, “Golly it’s a beautiful spring day!” No sir. Everybody was suffering from clinical depression. Not even the most beautiful butterfly, which was the very epitome of springtime itself, or a bowing daffodil, could raise anybody’s spirits. Only methamphetamine. And that was enough for Joe Rainbow.
Just as he had promised on that fateful day so long ago, Joe began to clean up the crime dump of Beaver Dam. He built schools. He washed the graffiti off the orphanage and then painted pretty pictures of sunshine, little children, and little happy frogs. He had every prison inmate executed, and went around to schools, lecturing them on the importance of going to college.
Through non-violent resistance, the most effective method, Joe Rainbow achieved a rank among all those historical figures who fought to protect even the most basic of human liberties. However, one day, he was showing his friends how cool it was that he could choke himself until he passed out, and then he died, and everyone was way confused. Thus…was Rainbow’s End.

The End