MIKE PILKINTON: THE MAN AND THE LEGEND

WARNING: THIS MAN WAS SPOTTED PROWLING AROUND YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD, LOOKING FOR A BASH. HE IS ARMED AND EXTREMELY DANGEROUS. WE ASK ALL WOMEN AND CHILDREN TO STAY INDOORS, WITH ALL DOORS LOCKED AND WINDOWS BARRED. WE FURTHER ASK THAT ALL MEN WHO ARE ABLE TO WIELD WEAPONS STAND GUARD ON THEIR FRONT LAWNS, READY TO DO BATTLE SHOULD THE NEED ARISE. THE CITY WILL PROVIDE TANKS, ARTILLERY CANNONS, AND RPG LAUNCHERS TO THOSE WHO CAN USE THEM, BUT WE FEAR THAT NOT EVEN THESE WILL BE ENOUGH TO BRING HIM DOWN.

BE AWARE. HE IS VERY SNEAKY, AND CAN GET RIGHT BEHIND YOU WITHOUT YOU EVEN KNOWING. 

THERE IS A GOOD CHANCE HE WILL BE REALLY NICE TO YOU AT FIRST, AND POSSIBLY OFFER TO BUY YOU A LEMONADE.




 Why all this tomfoolery?

If anyone remembers from my missionary emails, I ran into this guy on three separate occasions in Lawrenceburg, and his whole desire in life was to bash. If I ever make a video game, he'll be a boss in it. A boss with over 500,000 HP. And multiple forms. And he'll do one of those annoying attacks that cause status ailments to everyone in your party. Yeah, that's right. And you won't be able to beat him without consulting several game walkthroughs on "GAME FAQS." You know why? Because you STINK at video games. STINK.

If you find this blog post uninteresting, offensive, or extreme, leave now and never return.

If you are a stranger to RPGs, stop reading. Now.

If you are the actual Mike Pilkinton, we love you. We also wish you luck for that time, sometime in the future, when the Four Warriors of Dawn will stumble upon your secret lair and proceed to have an epic battle with you, a battle in which the fate of the entire world will be decided. A battle in which you will fight Paul (Black Mage), Stacy (White Mage), Larry (Ninja), and Croft (Swordsman). A battle in which Stacy will cast "Haste" on everyone to increase their battle speed, but you will annoyingly cast "dispel" on them. A battle in which Stacy will cast "shell" on Paul, the weakest member of the party, but then you will do "Pilkinton Punch" on him, which is the most powerful physical attack in the game, so his shell doesn't really matter, obviously. A battle in which Croft will slash you with his legendary sword over and over again, and you will do a counterattack called "Life Shaver," which will reduce Croft's HP to 1. A battle in which Paul will cast "Lightning" on you, and it will do enormous damage, and then they will come to the realization that your weakness is INDEED lightning, and then you're screwed. Screwed, Mike. They are gonna let you HAVE it.

 The Final Battle

And how can you even hope to beat enemies who just keep re-appearing in their most recent save point after you destroy them? How Mike?

How?