April 10th, 2016 - SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY

[Names of certain individuals have been changed, namely, the one in the first paragraph]

QUICK! MUST WRITE. NOW. FAST. Before desire to write vanishes in a twinkling of an eye! Uh, uh, what happened today? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED? SWEAR! Well, I worked. Like the apostate scum I am. Not too bad of a day. Von Hydramelladink (yes, that's a name) yelled "HELP! HELP ME! HELP! SOMEONE HELP ME!" a hundred times, from her room. It's a tradition! HEEEEELP!

I WANT AN NES VIDIOT GAME COLLECTION.

It rained a lot this morning and yesterday. Would you like to know why? Well, we had a "low pressure system" move in, made up of warm moist air. Warm air is lighter and less dense than cooler air (HENCE: LOW PRESSURE), so this particular warm air ascended to the stratosphere (or one of those spheres up there), then cooled and condensed (moving from a gaseous state to a more liquidy state), forming lots of puffy pink clouds, which promptly exploded all over us, spilling their wet rainy contents all over my face, and all over inside Emily's Miata, and at the same time, soaking my copy of "A Short History of Nearly Everything" by Bill Bryson, which, incidentally, is the book that taught me how this all occurs. If you're wondering how this was allowed to happen, well, I left the top down when I went in to work, not thinking in the slightest that a Rainstorm Massacre was ahead. The only thing I think about at these times is OH PLEASE, DON'T LET ME HAVE TO WIPE UP POO TODAY. PLEEEEEASE. HEEEEELP! NOT THE POO!

When I can't think of anything to write, I just number the pages in this journal. It feels productive. Like a productive cough, spewing up phlegm. Whoever decided that there is a letter "G" in "phlegm?" There is clearly no "G" sound. Why not just FLEM? In my opinion, "phlegm" is the most unnecessarily complicated spelled word in the English language. You know what would be gross? If it rained phlegm. PHLEGMSTORM MASSACRE. Can you believe this is all being written by a person who will soon be studying "molecular genetics" and "comparative vertebrate anatomy" and "biostatistics and the scientific method" in the coming months in his triumphal return to the Dixie State School of Witchcraft and Wizardry? SCIENCE. Gosh I hope I don't have to buy a lab coat again. Those things cost a lot. For what? So I can PRETEND to be a scientist? I LOVE TO PLAY PRETEND. I don't think that lab coat is going to protect you from a shot of carbonic acid to the eyes. Is carbonic acid a thing? I don't know. It sounded deadly. And acidic. And SCIENCE. No, for real, I couldn't think of another deadly killer acid. Just imagine some chemistry lab safety video where some idiot decides to conduct an experiment involving HYDROFLOURIDEXAMETHOZONIC ACID (that's the most deadly sounding made-up acid I could come up with) and he's WAY too cool for his safety goggles, and it EXPLODES ALL OVER HIS FACE. Why are we imagining this again? I forgot. I'm sorry.