The Johnny Chronicles: Episode III

Johnny, his wife Martha, and their lovable grandson Chucky were at Dixie Nutrition one day to pick up some supplements for Martha. Martha had come to that point in her life where her body had stopped producing all the things required to make it survive. She had also stopped putting into her body all those things necessary for survival, i.e. food. Martha approached one of the young teenagers at the checkout counter, obviously extremely versed in the ways of health food and supplements, judging by the wise ever-inquisitive look on his face.

"Can I help you?" the young man asked. He was so wise. How could he not be?

"WHERE'S YOUR PROSTATE PILLS?!" she shouted, not necessarily because she was mad, but because she was just old.

'Why, let me show you," replied the young man as he came out of the checkout area to locate the prostate pills.

"I NEED SOME PROSTATE PILLS!" she shouted.

"Honey, stop embarassing me," said her husband, the ever wise, ever-drunk Johnny. He had been so faithful to her all of these years, so loyal, so tender.

"Here are the prostate pills right here," said the young man, pointing to a particular product on the shelf.

"I NEED YOUR PROSTATE PILLS!" Martha yelled again.

"Um..." said the young man. "Right here?" He pointed again at the product, labeled in huge letters across the front "PROSTAMAX."

"ARE THEY GLUTEN FREE?!' she asked.

"Yes," said the young man. "Completely gluten free. Not a trace of gluten. You can rest assured that they are completely devoid of any gluten."

"I CAN'T HAVE ANY GLUTEN!" she yelled.

"Yes honey," said Johnny. "I think he understands that."

"HOW COULD HE UNDERSTAND ANYTHING? HE'S JUST A STUPID KID!" she shouted, oblivious to the young man's feelings. He bowed his head in shame. Tears began to well up in his eyes.

"Grandmammy, what's a 'Super Horny Goat Weed'?" asked Chucky, pointing to a particular product on the shelf.

"CHUCKY, DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!" yelled Martha.

"Martha, I don't understand why you need this product. You don't even have a prostate," said Johnny.

"I CAN'T HAVE ANY GLUTEN!" she yelled at the top of her lungs.

They walked back up the checkout counter, where the young man stood patiently and lovingly waiting. "Will this be all for you today?" he asked, as there was a sparkle in his eye. "Yeah, that'll do it," replied Johnny.

"Oh, by the way, it's Senior Day today!" said the young man, so loving and so caring of them as customers. "You save three dollars on this product!"

Yay, thought Johnny. Privileges because I'm old. What a joke.

"GIMME SOME OATS 'N CREAM," shouted Martha, eyeing the yogurt flavors on the wall.

"We don't have Oats 'N Cream today, maam," replied the young man. Martha didn't say another word.

As soon as the transaction was completed, and Johnny had forked over 60 dollars, Martha, without warning, tore open the "PROSTAMAX" supplement and dumped the whole box in her mouth.

"Whoa!" said the young man, wide-eyed. "That's a lot of prostate pills!'

"HONEY! NO!" cried Johnny, as Martha swallowed the pills. Every last one of them. "What have you done Martha? What...have...you...done???" He looked more alarmed than ever.

Suddenly, the young man broke out laughing. Evilly laughing. This young man, who only minutes before had personified love, innocence, youth, and exceptional customer service, now only personified the very epitome of evil himself: Satan.

"Wha...what are you laughing about?" asked Johnny.

"I LIED!" yelled the young man. "I lied! Those pills were NOT gluten free! Now your wife will suffer a slow painful death, the kind of painful death that comes with eating gluten! Ha ha ha!"

Then he just kinda stood there and didn't really do anything. It was pretty awkward.

20 minutes later, Martha had some vomiting issues, some stomach cramps, a pounding headache, and a funny tingling in her left earlobe, but she ended up being just fine. In fact, that night, they ate a cake.