Fred the Badger Looks For Friends

        There once was a little badger named Fred. Some people called him Fred the Badger, which was weird, because everyone else was a badger too, and nobody called his dad Larry the Badger, or his mom Stacy the Badger. He was just Fred the 

Badger.

      One particular day, Fred was out, looking for manflesh to consume, when he came upon a wolf. This was a large wolf, about the size of a horse.

     “Will you be my friend?” asked Fred the Badger, for he was friendless.

     “Shut up,” said the wolf. “I don’t need a friend, I’ve got plenty.” And then he went back to whatever he was doing, which was probably ravenously devouring the flesh of a caribou or something.

     “Okay, bye,” said Fred the Badger, and he sauntered off in search of another friend.

     Next, he came across Cornelius, a caterpillar. He was eating a cake.

     “Hi Billy,” said Fred the Badger.

     “What do you want?” asked Cornelius. He was an angry caterpillar.

     “I just wanted to know if you would be my friend,” replied Fred the Badger.

     Cornelius spit his mouthful of cake out and laughed uproariously. “Me?” he mocked. “You want me to be your friend? Are you insane?”

     “No,” said Fred the Badger. “I think it would work out great.”

     “False,” said Cornelius. “It would not.”

     And he went back to eating his cake.

     “By the way,” said Fred the Badger. “How did that cake get here?”

     Cornelius hissed at him, and then resumed eating his cake.

     By now, it was getting late. His parents would be getting worried. He was just about to head home when he spotted something moving off in the woods. Another badger?  He was strangely excited at the possibility. He found his dreams fulfilled as he came across Taisha, the hottest badger in the woods.

     “Hi Taisha,” said Fred the Badger.

     “What?” snapped Taisha.

     “Do you want to be my friend?” he asked.

     “Well, I guess,” she said, taking a chance. And then they made out.

     But this love was forbidden. As they smooched, a mob of angry animals approached them, carrying staves, sticks, and torches. “We have staves!” a rabbit cried, though nobody actually knew what staves were. But it was required that staves be carried anytime a mob formed.

     Fred the Badger and Taisha stopped smooching, and looked into each other’s eyes dreamily. They knew that they had committed a heinous and unpardonable act. The act...of love.

     The wolf that Fred the Badger had conversed with earlier led the mob. He was hoisting a torch.

     “Thou shalt cease thy adulterous act!” he cried. “For it is forbidden by our laws!”

     “Oh,” said Fred the Badger. “Okay?”

     “BURN THEM!” cried the angry mob. Never had there been an angrier mob. Ever.

     “But what’s wrong with a little badger love?” asked Taisha. She was a beautiful badger. She had lovely badger stripes, badger eyes, badger feet, and a cute little mole next to her left eye. A beauty.

     “We hate everything that’s good!” yelled Barnabas the crow, who wielded a pitchfork in his talons.

     “Oh,” said Fred the Badger.

     “You shall both be executed at dawn,” said the wolf.

     “Oh,” said Fred the Badger. “Well, um, er...”

     “I love you Fred,” said Taisha, holding his cute little badger hands.

     “I...love you too?” said Fred the Badger, having only really known Taisha for like, two minutes.

     And they were carried off to prison to await the execution of their sentence.

     And their lives.

     In prison, they talked and really got to know each other. They talked about their favorite foods, their favorite music, their favorite restaurants...surprisingly, they had a lot of things in common. Fred the Badger told Taisha some of his favorite jokes. She laughed. He laughed at his own jokes. They had never seemed that funny to him, but when they made Taisha laugh, they made him laugh too. Taisha was surprised. She had always thought that Fred the Badger was a boring little loner, but she concluded that all he really needed was a chance to show how sweet and how kind of a badger he was.

     “SHADDAP IN THERE!” snapped the prison guard, a porcupine.

     They giggled because they had made the prison guard mad. Ah, sweet love.

     At dawn, they were executed by firing squad for their heresies and blasphemies. They held hands as it happened, knowing that even though they had paid an awful price for forbidden love, truly, it was love that had won the victory.

The End