BATTLE OF THE NUTRITIONISTS: EPISODE ONE

So it would appear as though school began two days ago. I've had somewhat of a "personal renaissance" the past couple months. For some reason, I'm more excited to learn than I've ever been. Some great drama has unfolded in regards to my Scientific Foundations of Nutrition class though that deserves mentioning.

This class is taught by one Professor Linda Wright. She's pretty excited about nutrition, you see. I've been really excited the last couple months to take this class, just because I've worked at Dixie Nutrition for so long now, and I have a teeny knowledge of various vitamins and supplements. On my first class on Monday, she gave us a 10-question true/false quiz, just to see what things we knew about nutrition. One of them read, "VITAMINS GIVE YOU PEP AND ENERGY." So I put down "true," knowing that we sell energy-specific vitamins at my work, for example, vitamin B-12, and I've heard feedback from various people that it really works. I also put down "true" to the statement "ORGANIC FOODS ARE HEALTHIER THAN NON-ORGANIC FOODS." When we went through the answers, the first one was actually FALSE, and, according to Professor Wright, the ONLY way you can get energy is by calories! "Any vitamin that claims to be able to give you energy is a lie!" she said. "Just put out there by people who want to make money!" I raised my hand and asked, "Well, what about 'energy' vitamins, like B-12?" "Nope!" she replied. "Vitamins can't give you energy!" She didn't bother to expound on her logic, and I didn't feel like asking her to. Mostly I was just confused. Also, the answer to the other statement I mentioned was "false." Huh?

Puzzled, I took these questions to work with me that day and threw them at Marge, Elliott, and anybody else who wanted to listen. I learned that the head of Professor Wright's department is none other than Demaree Johnson, Marge's daughter's mother-in-law, who is apparently anti-Dixie Nutrition. When I say "anti Dixie Nutrition," I refer to somebody who is in favor of doctoral medical treatment, as opposed to natural supplements, herbs, and the like, i.e. Dixie Nutrition. So Professor Wright, according to them, is teaching what the doctors tell the college professors to teach, not what is necessarily true. Marge spoke with contempt about this professor of mine, but warned me not to argue anything she says, in case Wright decides to fail me, which I really doubt would happen, but who knows.

So back I went today, anxious to learn more stuff. Professor Wright was teaching us about some basic nutrients, including "phytochemicals," some important nutrients that can only be found in vegetables, fruits, and grains. A girl raised her hand and shared that when she was a hairdresser, some people came into her work and did a demo of some vitamins, which they claimed were made from fruits and vegetables. I assumed she was referring to some sort of whole-food multi-vitamin, which we sell at our store. At this point, she asked Professor Wright, "So are the phytonutrients still in them? Even if they just dehydrated the fruits and vegetables and turned them into powder?" My answer? Yes. Professor Wright's answer? No! Wa ha ha! "Nope!" she said. "No one's ever done that! Science hasn't proven it. Science says no, and I choose to believe science, rather than people who are just trying to make money!" And as she talked, I just kept waiting for her to EXPLAIN her logic, like, why you COULDN'T put phytonutrients in pill form, but she DIDN'T. Her logic was simply, "Science says no." And I was strongly tempted to start arguing, but I held my peace. Went over to Dixie Nutrition later and brought it up with Marge, who just laughed.

I know all these events seem pretty boring and un-interesting to everyone, but it's just strange...I've become super excited the past few weeks to take this class, maybe even looking into nutrition as a major, and now I've found myself caught in the midst of the Battle of the Nutritionists, Corporate Medical Organizations versus Natural Herbs and Supplements (a.k.a Dixie Nutrition), and people just can't seem to agree on what's true.

Well, this is Part 1. Stay tuned, there'll be another episode next week probably, since I'm sure Professor Wright will say more ignorant stuff. Toodles!

The turtle you see on the left is one that my companion and I found in my last area on my mission. We named him...CLAYTON. And then the zone leaders cooked him and ate him. What a cutie he is. He looks so happy.

I really like all those great Facebook ads where it says "Who's been searching for you?" and then it has a picture of some babe-a-licious scantily clad floozebag. Like, I always look at those pictures and say to myself, "Gosh, I hope THAT girl's been searching for me!" Because if some perfect stranger of a floozbag has been searching for me online, man, can things get ANY better? HOT DANG!

Hey guess what kids, I got MARRIED LAST WEEK! It was super special. Then we got to spend a week in Las Vegas, and we accidentally gambled away all of the money that people gave us for wedding presents. HEH HEH! Sorry! Those slot machines are just too fun, too colorful, and make too many cutesy wootsy fun noises to pass up. My favorite part about casinos, I decided, is the old people who can sit in front of those machines for hours, and no matter how much they ever seem to be winning, THEIR EMOTIONS NEVER CHANGE. THEY NEVER SHOW ANY EXCITEMENT. IN THE LEAST. I mean, come on, isn't winning money supposed to be the best thing in the world? Hmm.

As you can see, Emily is having a great time on the machines. You see, Emily and I are part of the "Mormon" religion, where we don't "gamble." Besides being a sin, I also find it extremely lame to throw away your money. Luckily, the casino, when we registered at the South Point Hotel, gave us TWENTY FIVE FREE DOLLARS/TOKENS TO USE ON SLOT MACHINES! So we went at it, and lo and behold, we won $9.61! Good thing it wasn't REAL money, otherwise, that would mean that we lost 16 dollars! HEH HEH! GAMBLING IS GREAT!

So anywho...here we are. We're married. Life is great. And there's this crazy guy who looks like Fidel Castro that comes into my work every day, and always spends at least $50, but apparently, doesn't have enough money to take care of his own teeth. If this blog is supposed to be about updating you on the latest news of Holden and Emily Green, well, I'm probably doing a pretty poor job. But I figured you wanted to hear about the Fidel Castro guy anyway.

Mr. Stephenson