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Tuesday, October 22, 2013


I'm not gonna lie, man. I don't know why people smoke. I just don't understand it. Perhaps some people who smoke can comment on this blog and give me a good reason. I mean... seriously. I can smell you from like, a 1/2 mile away. If a car driven by a smoker goes by me as I'm walking down the street, I can smell it. What do you think of that, smoker? Wherever you go, you leave the stink of cigarette smoke in your wake. But this is a silly reason for you to quit. Surely, you don't know who I am and you most certainly don't care about what I smell.

Perhaps the fact that your smoking actually affects people around you is a good reason for you to quit. Second hand smoke is really really bad. But of course, me getting a whiff every once in awhile will do no damage to me. If you smoke around kids or other people, however, that's really really bad, and they're likely to develop some problems. Do you care about that? If someone with asthma or bronchitis walks by you when you're smoking, your smoke can actually cause them to have a respiratory attack of some sort. Does that bother you? Does it bother you that your habit affects other people? No? Hmmm.

You should probably quit smoking. Stop taking years off your life. "But everyone dies eventually," you say. True. But some people die earlier than others. Way earlier. With lungs that have turned into black malignant lumps of carbon. And they have this really really nasty hacking cough. And sometimes they have cancer in their mouth. Or throat. Or lungs. Or some sort of heart disease. Or emphysema, where your lung alveoli have lost their elasticity, and you're no longer able to breathe like you used to, and you have to bend over to catch your breath. Don't misunderstand me. I don't hate you. You're probably a great person, who made a stupid choice to start smoking. I don't judge you, I promise. But you are doing a very stupid thing.

Do yourself a favor. Quit smoking. Do it. Do it now. Save yourself some trouble down the road. Please. Also, the world will smell a little nicer.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Prudence and The Plague, Live in Concert!

I'm not sure what to write. I notice this blog has been getting a lot less viewership recently, and that may have something to do with the fact that my blog posts now average maybe once a month. BORING! So what are we gonna do to spice it up? Huh? Some spices? Some spice girls? Some spice trades? Sugar and spice? The San Antonio Spices? Well, first, I'll tell you about my day, since it is just reeking with interest. REEKING.

So I woke up this morning at 7:30. And then I came to work. Actually before I came to work, I grabbed a whole-wheat bagel out of the kitchen for eating. I ate it on the way to work. It was pretty boring. But it had like, 8 grams of fiber, so I figured it would keep me full for a little while. At work, I proceeded to listen to some great old people phone calls. Just great. On my downtime, I studied the Book of Hebrews out of the New Testament, along with feasts and festivals of Judaism. I should be studying things for school... but no. I tell you what... my mind has been enlightened today. You should go read Hebrews. Jesus is called "The High Priest of good things to come." You should try and figure out what that means. You should just do everything I tell you to. Because I will never lead you astray... or will I?

So anywho... I ate some more of my bagel on my 15 minute lunch break in the break room. Tony Stark's house was getting blown up on TV by some guys in helicopters. I was like, "That's too bad." Then I went back to work. Then I went to Arby's for lunch. There were a lot of humans there. With the Snow White and the Huntsman World Senior Games in town, there is usually a large increase in the number of humans milling around. There were so many humans that I could not enter the bathroom after my eating and wash my hands. I was quite irked. IRKED. IRKED BY JERKS. Just kidding, they're all great. And then some psycho almost hit me in the parking lot. And now here I am. And I realized I didn't have quite as much to say as I thought I would. One of these days, I'll crank out another short story that you all will hate.

I'm sorry, there was really nothing inspiring about this blog post. Just nothing. Also, I've noticed that most everyone whose blog I used to follow has now privatized their blogs, so um... good job, everyone. Now I have nothing to read. I really am interested in your lives and how you all get along, but forget it. Just forget it. Hey, here's something interesting. Does anyone like golf? Well, I don't. There, I said it. I know that it's a crime to hate golf, and people think I'm an idiot when I tell them I have to swing at the ball 30 times before I hit it. It's a handicap really. To be able to play golf if such an advantage in the world, especially in business. Business people are always playing golf. Don't they ever play anything else? Basketball? Foosball? Video games? Shuffle board? Water polo? Miniature golf? Come on guys. Change it up a bit. Geez. GOLF: THE GAME OF BUSINESS.

Oh, here's something else maybe you didn't know about me. I eat sunflower seeds one at a time. Is that weird or what? I mean, I just use my teeth (holding it with my hands) to break it open, then slowly pull the thing out and eat it. Whereas if you're a real man, you chuck 10 in your mouth, let your salivary fluids soften each seed, then pry them open and spit the husk out. NO HANDS. EFFICIENCY. BUSINESS. MEN. Okay, I grow tired of this. Leave me your comments and tell me about yourselves. We can be friends. Even if I don't play golf or chew 10 sunflower seeds at a time. Can there be a peace between us?