Ears

One year ago, an army of streptococcus bacteria lay waste to my body and my left ear. The night that my ear was filling up with fluid, I was having weird fever dreams that Amy Poheler was driving a tractor around my bedroom. Sounds silly, but it was rather unpleasant, and actually felt incredibly real. I remember laying in bed, just staring at the wall, and there she was, just sitting on a tractor. I remember blinking my eyes, thinking, what the flip is happening. Where am I? And then the next morning, I was hit with some of the worst pain I've ever experienced, an unending awful throbbing in my left ear. Later in the day, my ear drum burst, which kind of released some of the pressure. But I couldn't hear anything. And my ear was leaking fluid 24/7. Took about another month before everything calmed down and my hearing started coming back.

I trust this email finds you well

Because that's how emails work. You write one, and then you send it out, and just hope it gets to the right place. "Go little email! Go! Go find Tom Johnson at HR!" "Woof!" says the email. Because the email is a dog. Or maybe it's a pigeon. I guess that makes more sense. They carry messages and stuff. Do they carry emails? They should. An email pigeon. Speaking of which, does anyone remember what it was like when you got your first email address? Wasn't it the coolest thing in the world? I thought it was. Me and my buddy would send each other emails, and then call each other right after and be like, "DID YOU GET MY EMAIL?" Boy, those were the days. I guess. We've already been over this, how those were The Days.

Superb Owl

I don't even like football, but the second half of the Superb Owl Extravaganza Tournament of Champions Final Championship Battle was actually rather exciting. FOOTBALL! Of course, everyone thinks it was rigged, and this has to do with T Swift for some reason, even though the Chiefs have been winning Superb Owls even before she came along. I don't know what's happening. I have a son turning 11 this week. What? Do you want to know what I received as a gift at age 11? I received the hit vidiot game "Goldeneye 007" for the Video Game Console 64. Boy, those were the days. I guess. Were they? At the time, they probably didn't feel like "the days." I was probably just as stressed out then (about stupid things, of course) as I am now. And putting death notes in girls' desks and then following them home secretly. Or stealing Tamagotchis out of other girl's desks, and then playing with them for awhile, and then smashing them with a hammer to destroy the evidence because my mom almost discovered my deeds. Okay, maybe those weren't "the days." Maybe those were "the days of Holden being a psychopath." It's okay, because the following year, everyone knew what a weirdo I was, and made sure I knew about it on a daily basis, and I guess I deserved this treatment as punishment for all my antics the year before. Oof!

Stopped Clock

Sometimes, when a clock is ticking down, and I want it to tick faster, it actually ticks slower, because the second my eyes land upon the number when it has just barely ticked, the number lingers there for about 2 seconds. How can a second be 2 seconds? What is happening? What the hell is going on? WHAT IS TIME. We think we understand it, but we do not. We don't understand a thing. YOU KNOW NOTHING.