Message in a Bottle

While at the beach, you decide to write a message in a bottle. What would it say, and who would you like to find it? Here is what my message would say-- "Dear human who finds this... I need someone to share some very vital information with, some information that may end up saving the world. I entrust this message to you. So here's a recap of my day. This morning, I had a weird dream that I saw a woman playing on an NBA team, and her dad was the head coach, and I shouted to everyone in the room, 'Hey guys! There's a woman playing in the NBA!' And no one really cared. And I shouted, 'Not fair! That's nepotism!' And I don't remember anything else about it. At some point, I woke up and went and pooped. I don't usually do that first thing in the morning, but I have been the past few days. Then I ate a nice big bowl of honeycomb, not real honeycomb, mind you, but the cereal Honeycomb. Okay, that's a lie, it was actually called Honey Buzzers, some knockoff brand, and that's weird to call it Honey Buzzers because the individual pieces look like actual honeycomb, they definitely don't look like anything that would be buzzing around. Well, in any case, I trotted off to work, where I was pleasured to pass a patient in the hall who responded to my "Hello!" with "Fuh you!" although he actually did hurl a profanity, and I pondered on how bizarre that was, that you would respond to a friendly hello with a FUH YOU, but you must understand that this particular patient has been quite hostile to me this week due to me interrupting his breakfast last Thursday morning when I asked him to come participate in physical therapy, and yes, profanities were hurled at me then, and I imagine these profanities are still floating around in space somewhere. The moral of this story: NEVER INTERRUPT THE BREAKFAST OF AN ANGRY PSYCHOTIC SICILIAN." And that would be the message. Is that sufficient? I think so. Who would I like to find it? Obviously some poor sap that otherwise would be interrupting breakfasts of angry psychotic Sicilians and has potential for getting his kneecaps busted or getting dumped into the East River. But that's a dumb question. Anybody could find it. I don't know where the ocean currents will carry it. But go in peace, little message in a bottle. Go in peace.

It's slime to fly, murderer!

"It's time to die murderer!" Thus spoke Beau Stucki, in one of the greatest sci-fi thrillers of our time, Murder Mansion. Now, what does this have to do with what we're about to discuss here? Nothing. Nothing at all. I'm just typing and typing and I'm not stopping, I'm not even stopping to think about what to write, I'm just going. So here's the dillio. There's this virus out and about and it's just slaughtering the innocent and the guilty alike. None shall stand before the wrath of Corona's Virus. Here's what people are doing though. They're being all self-righteous snobs about staying in their houses and never going ANYWHERE. Like Kenn Kaufman, who's an elite birder and wrote a book about birding that was... okay, I guess. He announced on Facebook that he hadn't birded anywhere this year besides in his own yard, because HE DOESN'T WANT TO PUT ANYONE'S LIFE AT RISK. Great job Kenn. You're the best. And then you have all the crazies who just believe it's a massive conspiracy, and something about a microchip? And don't trust anything that anybody tells you, except you can trust the crazies that are just ranting on Facebook about it. If this virus disaster has taught us anything, it's that people are morons, and nothing quite brings that out like a good ol' pandemic. Great work kids! In my spare time, I've been playing the piano. I've been getting back into playing some tunes that I played back in high school, by this Cuban composer named Ernesto Lecuona. Because face it... Cubans are pretty cool. They know all about music and dancing and stuff. That was not a sarcastic statement. I understand that this whole blog has reeked of sarcasm, but I'm not being sarcastic about Cuba. Legitimately seems like a cool place, if the soulful music of Lecuona is any indication. Welmp, there you go!