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Friday, May 25, 2012

Ein Scheinverrfen!

I was walking through the store the other day, humming, quite loudly, a catchy little tune that had served as the music for a level in Wolfenstein, which I had recently been playing on my Ipod. It turns out that this song is actually the theme song of the Nazi Party! HEH! YOU IDIOT GREEN! Hopefully nobody even knows what it sounds like. Otherwise, I might get some dirty looks, maybe somebody will swear at me, maybe somebody will shoot me...there's an endless variety of reactions to choose from.

Oh by the way, some guy in a car swore at my wife the other day. The moral of this story: don't swear at my wife.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Van Wells Boulevard

1) This blog post is so named because I dreamed I was driving down Van Wells Boulevard in Kansas City with Emily. Yes, I looked it up, there is no such street. Anywhere. My dreams are full of lies. I googled it just barely, the only result I found was Van Well Nursery of Washington, a TOP SUPPLIER OF FRUIT TREES TO COMMERCIAL ORCHARDISTS.


Perhaps I'm living two separate and distinct realities, and the "Van Wells Boulevard" from my other reality is trying to tell me that the answer to my big question, more specifically, WHO KILLED MY PET FROGS TWO YEARS AGO, is found at Van Well Nursery. Why that question, you say? I don't know. I guess I pretty much have all my other questions of life figured out. Oh, and if you've never watched the hit show "Awake," then the whole concept of something in one dream being connected with something similar in reality might be foreign to you.

It's okay. I know you don't care. But it is strange that "Van Wells Boulevard" popped out to me in that dream, because I have never, in my life, heard of anything called "Van Wells," so how a brain manufactures something like that for a street name, I have no idea whatsoever.

2) The word "squelch" is a good word, and would make a good band name, but I looked it up, and I'm too late. Every swear word.

3) We drove past Chad Cottom's house. There was an ugly green car in front. Emily asked, "Is that Chad's car?" to which I responded, "Yes, that is Chad Cottam's Car," and then I realized how "Cottam's Car" would also be a great name for either a rock band, or a cheesy 1980s sitcom. It has a nice ring to it. Cottam's Car. Alliteration makes for excellent band names. Thanks to Dave Barry for making me this way.

4) The end.



Thursday, May 10, 2012

Ham Radio

I have this weird urge to run. Just run. Which is weird, because I can't run more than like, two blocks without dying.

I'm sitting outside my front door. There's a bird several feet away from me on the grass. If I had my camera with me, I would snap a picture. It's red-breasted, and has some red on top of its head. He's lollygagging about in the grass, eating things. After he eats something, he looks around like he's committing a crime or something. Or maybe he's looking for predators. Hey, he's coming closer. He's eating those little flower things, the ones with all of the little things that you can blow off.  Dangit, he left. That was a delight.

I think I'll go run down Indian Hills Drive today.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Ravel Piano Concerto in G- II Adagio Assai

This is the most beautiful song ever written and everyone should listen to it. It's sort of long and pretty slow, but you're classy and you're cultured, so you have the attention span for it. It's the second movement of a piano concerto by Maurice Ravel. If you want to be cool, you'll hear it out.




Peace be unto you children.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Nothing Short of Impressive

1) Graduation- My wife graduated from her education pursuits on Friday. I mean...can you believe that? She's been in school for roughly 19 years. And now, no more school. Awww. I would post graduation pictures on here...but I don't have any. We'll have to snag some from my dad's camera later. And no, she didn't graduate at the very very top of her class, but Emily...you are totally summa cum laude in my book babe. MY HIGHEST LATIN HONORS I BESTOW UPON YOU.

2) Old people- Have a lot of health problems, and like to eat early dinners, usually with friends. I believe I've mentioned this all before. Not only have I learned this from my work, captioning phone calls for the hard of hearing, but now everytime I go to a restaurant between 3 and 5 pm, I notice how many hordes of old people there are getting their "early bird specials," sitting around talking with friends, and how they probably marked these "lunch appointments" down on their old person "calendars," on which they also write down their daily doctor appointments. No, I have nothing against old people, I really don't, in fact, their quirks are quite fascinating to me.

3) IRONMAN. (Grunt grunt grunt)

4) Oh, speaking of IRONMAN, I walked down to Main Street yesterday on my break and watched Ironman athletes running by. These people are hardcore. I mean...wow. I wanted to yell at some of them, "HOW ARE YOU NOT DEAD?!" but I figured they would come and beat me up or something, and then, ironically, it would be me who was dead. On my way back to work, I ran, because I was so inspired by these athletes. And I was gassed after like, a block. Also, I was wearing my trusty IRONMAN running slippers.

5) Have any of you stumbled upon Andrew Belcrank's blog? Man this guy is livin it up in Japan. How exciting. Of course, his last blog was from about five months ago, so I don't know what's going on now. Probably shellfish and some sushi, and more than likely, some wild and crazy adventures.

6) I drove past the Hendersons' house the other day like a creeper. It's relatively large.

7) Applebees on Thursday nights for half price appetizers and BINGO?! How can you beat that? You cannot.

8) I've got nothing else. Nothing at all.


Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Fred the Badger Looks For Friends


        There once was a little badger named Fred. Some people called him Fred the Badger, which was weird, because everyone else was a badger too, and nobody called his dad Larry the Badger, or his mom Stacy the Badger. He was just Fred the 
Badger.
      One particular day, Fred was out, looking for manflesh to consume, when he came upon a wolf. This was a large wolf, about the size of a horse.
     “Will you be my friend?” asked Fred the Badger, for he was friendless.
     “Shut up,” said the wolf. “I don’t need a friend, I’ve got plenty.” And then he went back to whatever he was doing, which was probably ravenously devouring the flesh of a caribou or something.
     “Okay, bye,” said Fred the Badger, and he sauntered off in search of another friend.
     Next, he came across Cornelius, a caterpillar. He was eating a cake.
     “Hi Billy,” said Fred the Badger.
     “What do you want?” asked Cornelius. He was an angry caterpillar.
     “I just wanted to know if you would be my friend,” replied Fred the Badger.
     Cornelius spit his mouthful of cake out and laughed uproariously. “Me?” he mocked. “You want me to be your friend? Are you insane?”
     “No,” said Fred the Badger. “I think it would work out great.”
     “False,” said Cornelius. “It would not.”
     And he went back to eating his cake.
     “By the way,” said Fred the Badger. “How did that cake get here?”
     Cornelius hissed at him, and then resumed eating his cake.
     By now, it was getting late. His parents would be getting worried. He was just about to head home when he spotted something moving off in the woods. Another badger?  He was strangely excited at the possibility. He found his dreams fulfilled as he came across Taisha, the hottest badger in the woods.
     “Hi Taisha,” said Fred the Badger.
     “What?” snapped Taisha.
     “Do you want to be my friend?” he asked.
     “Well, I guess,” she said, taking a chance. And then they made out.
     But this love was forbidden. As they smooched, a mob of angry animals approached them, carrying staves, sticks, and torches. “We have staves!” a rabbit cried, though nobody actually knew what staves were. But it was required that staves be carried anytime a mob formed.
     Fred the Badger and Taisha stopped smooching, and looked into each other’s eyes dreamily. They knew that they had committed a heinous and unpardonable act. The act...of love.
     The wolf that Fred the Badger had conversed with earlier led the mob. He was hoisting a torch.
     “Thou shalt cease thy adulterous act!” he cried. “For it is forbidden by our laws!”
     “Oh,” said Fred the Badger. “Okay?”
     “BURN THEM!” cried the angry mob. Never had there been an angrier mob. Ever.
     “But what’s wrong with a little badger love?” asked Taisha. She was a beautiful badger. She had lovely badger stripes, badger eyes, badger feet, and a cute little mole next to her left eye. A beauty.
     “We hate everything that’s good!” yelled Barnabas the crow, who wielded a pitchfork in his talons.
     “Oh,” said Fred the Badger.
     “You shall both be executed at dawn,” said the wolf.
     “Oh,” said Fred the Badger. “Well, um, er...”
     “I love you Fred,” said Taisha, holding his cute little badger hands.
     “I...love you too?” said Fred the Badger, having only really known Taisha for like, two minutes.
     And they were carried off to prison to await the execution of their sentence.
     And their lives.
     In prison, they talked and really got to know each other. They talked about their favorite foods, their favorite music, their favorite restaurants...surprisingly, they had a lot of things in common. Fred the Badger told Taisha some of his favorite jokes. She laughed. He laughed at his own jokes. They had never seemed that funny to him, but when they made Taisha laugh, they made him laugh too. Taisha was surprised. She had always thought that Fred the Badger was a boring little loner, but she concluded that all he really needed was a chance to show how sweet and how kind of a badger he was.
     “SHADDAP IN THERE!” snapped the prison guard, a porcupine.
     They giggled because they had made the prison guard mad. Ah, sweet love.
     At dawn, they were executed by firing squad for their heresies and blasphemies. They held hands as it happened, knowing that even though they had paid an awful price for forbidden love, truly, it was love that had won the victory.

The End