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Friday, June 28, 2013

I EAT YOUR SKINS

I HAVE A PSYCHOLOGICAL DISORDER!

It's called dermatillomania.

I know, I diagnosed myself, perhaps that's not really credible.

But it is.

I'm not proud to have a disorder, but I do have it. Now I have a NEW label, in addition to privileged white Christian male! CELEBRATE!

I AM A DERMATILLOMANIAC.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Cheap Moroccan Cigars Increase Testosterone!

I attended a week-long church camp type of thing, August 2005, in Nauvoo, Illinois, where the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints was headquartered for several years. I realized at this church camp that I was pretty horrible at being social and making friends, but it was a fun week nonetheless, seeing the sights and getting to learn church doctrine from one Brother Knowles, a very brilliant and smart teacher. I wrote this because I stumbled upon someone else's blog that attended the same YFE, and it brought back some memories. So... I know, not very interesting. I don't have much else to say about it. I'm at work right now and I'm really really bored. I've been studying stuff relating to the JFK assassination, and now I'm pretty JFK'd out. Haha. My wife gets annoyed when I get in one of my little learning phases.

Oh, and if you ask me if the assassination was a conspiracy, I will tell you... I do not know. People on both sides of the argument attack each other's claims that they have solid evidence, so I really don't know what to believe. The Zapruder film shows the assassination, including the grisly headshot, and to me it looks like he was hit from the front (which would prove there was more than one shooter), but I could be wrong. Regardless of who actually did it (and we will never know, trust me on this one), I feel more educated on a subject that is critically important in American history, so I think I'll leave it at that.





Saturday, June 22, 2013

Potstickers for Perry

When I was a youngling, I REALLY loved going to Idaho. Just absolutely loved it. I had relatives in Idaho Falls, and it was always just delightfully delightful to go pay a visit to AMERICA'S TATERLAND (pronounced Tater-lund).


One time (when I was around 4 or 5), my brothers and I were playing basketball with some kids down the street from our house. At some point, I had the ball, and some kid on the other team was yelling at me, but I couldn't understand him to save my life. I think he was mentally handicapped. But I didn't know this. Instead, I yelled back at him, "Yeah? Well, tomorrow I'm going to IDAHO FALLS!" And then everyone was like, "He says it's their ball, Holden. Give him the ball." And then I felt like a MOOORON. Not really though, because how much of a moron can a 5-year-old really feel like?




The state of Idaho. No seriously. This is what
popped up when I googled Idaho. I don't know what
these guys are doing. Possibly mobilizing to take
out the neo-nazis? IDAHO!


Isn't this story so applicable to our lives? Aren't handicapped people always yelling things at us, and we're always yelling things back that have nothing to do with anything, and then everyone gets mad at us? No? Not ever? Oh. Well... this is awkward.

Friday, June 14, 2013

TOYS!!!!!

So this one time when I was like, 4, some kid in a car crashed into our station wagon sitting parked in front of our house. He came to the door to alert my parents as to what had happened. So he was sitting on the chair by our front door (which chair is still sitting in the same spot to this very day), as my mom and dad were off discussing something or other. At this point, apparently, I wanted to impress the young man, so I went and grabbed an armful of toys from my room, and then brought them out, dropped them on the floor in front of him, and proceeded to play with them.

Do you think the young man was impressed? DO YOU?! ANSWER ME!

As it turns out, he was not, and paid me little attention.

Ah, aren't our cute little lives just like this experience? Don't we always try to impress people with our gadgets, our wealth, our sexiness, our helicopters, our tanks, our rippling muscles, and our organic meatless hot dogs, in spite of their having committed a heinous crime against us, like crashing into our station wagons, blowing up our station wagons with a car bomb, stealing our babies, or borrowing our weed-whackers and not returning them, and yet, we love them as human beings, and we show that love by showing off. Because, you know what, young man who has committed a heinous atrocity against my family? You can play with my toys ANYTIME!

Sunday, June 2, 2013

I Don't Want a Helicopter!

1) So, this blog is in tribute to a nice lady I knew on my mission. She was a less-active member of the LDS church. I don't know the circumstances, but something happened, and didn't really like her relief society. Anywho... her birthday is today, June 2nd. When I was in Hendersonville, Tennessee from November 2006-April 2007, we wanted to get her more active in church, so we enlisted the help of the relief society. The ward list indicated her birthday was February 6th, which was right around the corner. So we're like, "Yeah! Sweet! Birthday! Send her stuff! A card! Cake! Whatever! Bam!" Those words exactly. So we went and had dinner at her house later that week. She indicated to us she had received a birthday card for some reason from the relief society, and she seemed annoyed by it. "My birthday isn't until June," she told us. Huh? Turns out her birthday was 6/2, not 2/6 as the ward list had reversed it. LOLOLOLOL. Then I turned to the camera and said, "Oh gee, when will we ever catch a break?!" And we all had a good laugh, including those in the live studio audience. Probably. It was a long time ago.

2) Yesterday was the 1-year anniversary of the Hike Of Death up the Red Mountain. It was a pretty great anniversary. I worked, and uh... yeah, I didn't do anything that even resembled a crazy near-death adventure. I'm sorry. This was a waste of your time to read.

3) I just finished "Catcher in the Rye," so now whenever people are like, "Are you named after Holden Caulfield?" I can be like... "Heck yeah, that book is actually about my life as a 16-year-old, with all the liquor and the girls and the cussing and the smoking and just havin' a party man. Just havin' a party." But if you must know, I don't think quite as much as Holden C. does that everybody in the world is a complete moron. I do think there are some morons, but I don't feel like I'm bitter, except when people sprinkle bitter herbs on me. Or when people cut me off in traffic. Or when pimps punch me in the stomach. You know how it is.

4) I'm on season 7 of 24. There seems to be a lot of this kind of thing... "TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW!" or "WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?!" or "I WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO MAKE YOU TALK!" And Jack Bauer is always right. Always.

5) Don't forget that according to my communications professor, 84% of the world is gay. You are probably gay. I think 84% means beyond reasonable doubt.