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Friday, July 26, 2013

Um...what?

What in the crap is this? (7/26/2013, 3:00 PM)

Is this some sort of joke? Some sick joke?

Monday, July 22, 2013

Arachni & Phobia


I am currently in the process of typing up all my journals so they'll be available to me online. The following is an excerpt from my journal in 1998. Basically, I'm not sure what I was smoking in 5th grade, but I had some little bead spiders (named Arachni and Phobia, haha, get it? Pretty clever I was!) that apparently took on some crazy anthropomorphic traits.

[excerpt begins] Arachni and Phobia Information* [note at bottom of page “An explanation is necessary. They are bead spiders.”]


Arachni= is five months old, lived the first two months of his life at Anthony Mathews' house in Ivins. Born in Anthony’s bedroom on April 6, 1998. Was sold to me at 4th grade Mini-Mall. A good companion. Married to Phobia on June 20th.

Phobia= is three months old, has been living at my house all her life. Met Arachni on June 15, got married June 20. Was actually born in Anthony’s bedroom on June 6. Was immediately sent over to my house to mate Arachni. She is pregnant.

(additional information)

For most of the time Arachni and Phobia have been together, they have been almost inseperable. But one night, Arachni went out with a girl named Angela Carson. They went to Chili’s. They were both secretly watched by Phobia from the window. As soon as Arachni came home, Phobia said she hated him, and told him “Let’s get a divorce!” They were planning to, and they almost did, but on another night, when Angela came back over, Phobia killed her. She was executed and put to death on Sept. 15, 1998. Arachni swore he would never do such a thing again. He is now living with me. We both miss Phobia terribly. [excerpt ends]

Not only did this insane story involve adultery, cold blooded arachnicide, and capital spider punishment, but I even took Phobia, put her in a lego box, and then went and buried the box in the desert behind my house, just to make the story that much more real to myself. Many times over the course of the next several years, I went back to the desert and attempted to dig up the box, but I could never find it again. I hope this has been enlightening and helped you to understand why my 5th grade class thought I was such a freak.

Friday, July 19, 2013

I Can Park in Two Spaces Because I'm Cool: Day 2


Empty parking spots? (2:40 PM, 7/19/2013)
 Well this is weird. I guess I can't post witty commentary if the jerk isn't even going to show up anymore. Hey. Subaru person. Come back. Hey... get back here. This little series has to go on for more than 2 episodes. Come on. Just inch your little car back over here.

Monday, July 15, 2013

I Can Park in Two Spaces Because I'm Cool: Day 1


The Subaru Forrester (License plate number Y186UE; 7/15/2013, 4:29 PM)

You will notice that my blog has "shifted gears" (LOLOL) a little bit here. You will also notice that no longer is this blog affilliated in any way with that vile substance wheatgrass. Instead, you will hear all about my adventures pertaining to a certain Subaru Forrester which enjoys illegally taking up two spaces at my work in the southeast corner of the parking lot.

This has been going on for a few months now. It used to be a bigger deal. Before summer began, the parking lot was generally always full when I came to work, and it was difficult finding places to park. And I would see this car, sitting here. In two spots. Every time I came to work. And I asked myself, "Why? Why is this? What's the harm in moving the car to the right or the left a few feet?" I have asked myself these soul-searching questions many times.

One possible reason is that this person thinks their car is too big to fit in that spot on the left. It does look smaller, in a way, but I think that's because the left half of the spot is in the gutter. Is that considered a gutter? I don't know what a gutter is. Is it just a curb? I don't know what it is. But what I do know, is that that car could easily fit in that spot. It could also easily fit in the spot on the right.

My investigation has yielded no results thus far as to who owns the vehicle. I've IM'd a few supervisors at my work, asking if it's this person's car or that person's car (making sure it doesn't belong to my boss or someone, in case I blow it up). I've also, on the windshield, left an In-n-Out receipt which I wrote on the back, "One car= one space. The end."

"But Holden," you say. "Why don't you just call the police?" Good point. Not. What if this vehicle is connected to some powerful crime syndicate, and all this blogging and asking around and being a nuisance, is me just poking my nose where I shouldn't? WHAT IF? What if the police are involved? What if you're involved? Or what if this person is just a moron? I like that last possibility, although the first three are kind of thrilling. Right? Opinions? All 2 of you who read this blog? Shout em out.

Stay tuned for another episode of "I Can Park in Two Spaces Because I'm Cool" on Friday! Because I know how exciting this is to everyone! Yay!

Monday, July 8, 2013

Humerus

I was watching the British version of Whose Line is it Anyway during one of my breaks, and found myself not laughing and not even cracking a grin. And it is a serious deal when no grins are cracked. I didn't understand the humor apparently. The performers were supposed to be taking on identities of people I had never heard of. Who the heck is Alan Burnett? Why does every performer deliver every one of their lines so dramatically like they're quoting Shakespeare lines? Why is this not funny? But then I thought about it, and realized that British people probably think the same thing about the American version of the show. Aw, look at me, being all empathetic towards the British. I truly am the culture bridge between our two countries.

This experience reminded me of several months ago when my wife and I tried to watch the British version of The Office. I found myself, also, not laughing. I didn't understand the jokes. Actually, for the most part, I could barely even understand the words the people were saying. And then I watched the American version, and I was GIGGLES APLENTY! No, I just think it's weird, but kind of cool, you know? That everyone is so different, we all giggle at different things, culturally speaking. Which is actually is also kind of lame, and makes me think that I could never be friends with a British person, because, how could we laugh together? How? You're right, I'm a laugh bigot. Just kidding,we could be friends, but it would have to be one of those friendships where we never laugh. We would just have to be stone-faced during every interaction and discuss serious issues. It could work.

Monday, July 1, 2013

A Bucket of Hollondaise Sauce

1) I changed my blog template because I was way bored. And then I decided I had to write about it. For some reason.

2) Hey, guess what? I had the craziest eye floater yesterday! THE CRAZIEST! I was laying on the couch, and there was this little speck in my vision. It would turn white when I closed my eyes, and it was black when my eyes were open. Now, it isn't rare to have these little funny friends floating in my eye. The weird thing was, first of all, this floater would not go away, and second, after a little while, it was completely visible when my eyes were open. What I mean by that... I was looking up at the ceiling, and the floater looked like a plain black mark on the ceiling. Visible as anything I had ever seen. It didn't even look like an eye floater. It just looked like a black smudge on the ceiling. It was actually quite frightening, as I was giving a play-by-play to my wife as to what was going on, and she thought I was dying (you know, the whole "don't go to the light" thing). So, was this story interesting? Huh? Huh? I see that this blog receives a multitude of visitors a day, many from foreign lands. Who are you people? Leave comments, ask me a question. Tell me if this was a stupid story.

Wind! And willows!

A plot! To kill that guy!
 3) So I have this problem with checking books out at the library and then not reading them. I usually bring them to work with me, hoping to read them at some point, but then I get distracted doing stupid things on the internet, like trying to figure out ways to entertain my mysterious blog audience. Right now, I'm supposed to be reading the Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Graheme, which is kind of a sharp contrast from the last book I tried to read, The Plot To Kill The President. Boy was it a great plot.    
  
Prepare for hijinks and shenanignans like
you've never known!

 4) Hey, does anyone remember Three's Company, that stupid 70s sitcom starring John Ritter? I used to watch it. And I was like... eight. I think I have problems.  Now I'm just being desperate to fill this page up with something. I was feeling inspired 20 minutes ago, but then I ate a peanut butter sandwich. My pants have a hole in them. I'm wearing flip-flops at work. I'm not supposed to be wearing flip-flops That's a dress-code violation. But it just takes me too long at home to find socks.  
 
5) Does anyone do diet cleanses? Well, don't. Because apparently they're stupid and only hurt you. Why would you want to hurt yourself? What would possess you to do that? Satan? The love of a princess? Well, according to a podcast I listened to, it's all just a big scam. Your body is not really brimming with toxins, as the diet cleanse people think it is. And if there are toxins in your body, your body will remove them, via peeing and pooping. 

   
Angry because all kids want to do is
play video games!

6) Does anyone goes on crazy IMDB binges? Well, I don't know what that means, but I was doing that for The Neverending Story the other day. Anyone remember that movie? Aw yeah. Who else thought that Mr. Coriander was the scariest person in that movie? Remember? The mean bookshop guy? "GET OUTTA HERE! I DON'T LIKE KIDS!" I can see myself as that guy in 50 years.