Treat yourself to perfect pancakes

Giggle giggle...

Giggle giggle giggly giggle...

All right, I got all the giggles out. Is it Christmas yet? Is there really a "WAR ON CHRISTMAS?" Or is it just a bunch of baloney? Donald Trump seems to think there is a WAR ON CHRISTMAS. My 10th grade self seemed to think there was a WAR ON CHRISTMAS. I seem to doubt, nowadays, that there is any such thing. Or maybe there is, and I just don't care. That's how crazy and destructive this war is. So crazy that I just don't care. So what if someone says "happy holidays" instead of "merry christmas?" So what if someone says "merry christmas?" So what if anyone says anything? At all? Who cares what anyone else does? How does it affect us? Why are we always getting offended at things? No, I don't mean, why are people always getting offended about "merry christmas" because I don't think people are really getting offended by "merry christmas." I mean, why are people always getting offended about the possibility that people are getting offended by "merry christmas?" AM I MAKING ENOUGH SENSE? SHOULD I SLAP SOME SENSE INTO YOU? SHOULD I INJECT SOME SENSE INTO YOUR VERTEBRAL ARTERY? Just stop getting offended. About everything. Stop getting offended about "happy holidays." Stop getting offended about "merry christmas." Stop getting offended about people getting offended. Just stop. All of you. Now.

Well, if we're not getting offended about something, then what should we be doing, you may be asking. We've spent our whole lives trying to be offended by things. Now we don't have anything else to do. Here's what you do. Find an issue that actually matters and educate yourself about it. Read books about it. Read books about historical events. Learn truth from books. Get off your little garbage news sites and internet comment threads where most people get their information about reality. Don't be like those people. If you will do that, you will be more educated than Donald Trump. Crazy, right? Can you believe that? MORE EDUCATED THAN THE PRESIDENT. Donny Trump learns about his world through Twitter, through his garbage conservative news web sites, through the cesspool of false information that is social media. Don't be like Trump. Go read a book.

Well what about you Horton, you say. You're just sitting there writing a WORLD WIDE WEB LOG. You're not doing anything to enrich your understanding of life and human history. False! I just read a book about the atomic bombing of Nagasaki, and it was one of the most enlightening reads I've had in recent memory. Is the atomic bombing of Nagasaki something important, something you or I should be concerned about? How can it be important, when it's just some crazy event that happened around 70 years ago? We're past all that now, right? Japan and the United States are good buddies, we're all friends, no more nukes, we live happily ever after, the end. No, not the end. These are weapons that we currently possess THOUSANDS of. Can you believe that? Thousands of weapons that can each kill 50,000 humans instantly and wipe out a whole city and then spew deadly radiation into the Earth. Other countries also possess them, in abundance. So what if none have been used against civilians in 70 years? Does that mean it's not a problem? Is it a problem that many were tested in Nevada over the years, resulting in hugely increased rates of cancer for "downwinders?" Does this seem problematic to you? Does it seem weird that our country has engaged in this terribly destructive thing? Does it seem bizarre that our government has tried very hard to cover up all problems associated with nuclear bombs? Does it sound like I'm on some conspiracy rant? Well, I be not. I know what a conspiracy rant is. We faked the moon landing. 9/11 was an inside job. Something about the Illuminati. No. The fact that we possess thousands of weapons that have the potential to destroy humanity is not a conspiracy. It's lunacy, pure and simple. This is something that matters. Not the "War on Christmas" crap.

Well, what can we do about it? Can all we do is complain? Do I come across as a complainer? I hope not. I don't know what to do about it yet. In fact, I feel somewhat hopeless as a civilian. Our president is pretty hell-bent on pissing off North Korea, on building up our military (I thought we already had a pretty massive military), and doing his darndest to try and get us in a war with somebody. Sure, America first, I get it. We need to be well defended. But set an example, man. Nuclear disarmament. Do something about it. Get off twitter. Stop wasting your time defunding science research.

The end.

DIE

STOP. STOP WITH THE MINION MEMES. JUST STOP IT. EVERYONE. NOW. IF I SEE ONE MORE MINION MEME, I BLOW UP A HOSPITAL.

I lost my face in a war.

I just tried my hand at writing a "choose your own adventure" story, and it came out pretty weird. But that's okay. If you haven't done it yet, NOW IS THE TIME.


http://fishtacosofdeath.blogspot.com/2017/10/the-incredible-adventures-of-mr-jenkins.html

Best to watch it on a computer so you get the full soundtrack experience. For some reason, the music doesn't work on mobile. I don't know why.

You let Ralph retrieve his ball of sporting.

He means you no harm, Jenkins. I mean, look at him. Look how harmless this kid is. Just out havin' a good time, playin some Sportsball with his buddies. Doesn't get much better than that... might as well let him be...

1) GET HIM!!!

http://fishtacosofdeath.blogspot.com/2017/10/chaaaaaaarge-arf-arf-arf-arf.html

2) Go outside the gate to seek adventure elsewhere.

http://fishtacosofdeath.blogspot.com/2017/10/you-go-outside-gate.html

You pee on a rock.

Ah, that feels great.

Now chase your tail for a little while.

http://fishtacosofdeath.blogspot.com/2017/10/you-chase-your-tail.html

JENKINS WINS THE GAME

"YOU'VE DONE IT, JENKINS!" yells Coach Phil Jackson, running onto the field. The team follows, roaring in jubilation. The crowd boos, because they were actually here to see the Soviet Russia Butterpops. BUT WHO CARES ABOUT THEM. The ref grabs your paw and lifts it up into the air. "Winner by TKO!" he calls to make it official.

"I've never seen someone execute the 'Super Awesome Backflip Kill Kick' and live to tell," says Ralph to you, stroking your ears. "Well done, Jenkins. The Beer Barons are on top once again."

Well done indeed.

Epilogue

http://fishtacosofdeath.blogspot.com/2017/10/epilogue_17.html?zx=a7d4db8bb54b4544

The Disneyland One

And it came to pass that Jenkins took his journey to Disneyland, where the rides are fast and the snowcones are expensive and the costumed Disney characters with oversized heads turn out in bunches to dance around while not saying anything. But Jenkins cared little for this. In fact, as Jenkins flew steeply downward on Space Mountain at a very death-defying speed and his little papillon ears fluttered backward in the wind, he was suddenly plagued with a cloud of regret and doubt for leaving behind his two favorite people in the world, those who had given him life, sweet life. Howard. And Betty. Was it worth it, he wondered, to trade his ties with them for the fame, glory, and unlimited power that came with being a Sportsball Champion?

Was it worth it, Jenkins?

The end- Victory... for Jenkins?

The distant land heavenly chariot one.

And it came to pass that Jenkins disappeared out of the land, and no man knoweth where he went. And it was said among some that Jenkins the Sportsball Champion papillon was taken up into heaven, even as Moses of old, via a flaming chariot on account of his righteousness and his good Sportsball deeds, there to learn further the ancient techniques passed down by the ancient papillon order, techniques that enable little cute dogs to execute highly awesome kill kicks during Sportsball matches.

The End- VICTORY FOR JENKINS!

Epilogue

Well, you've done it. You've conquered the Challenges. You've beaten the Soviet Russia Butterpops to a bloody pulp and killed their star papillon. There's really nothing left for you.

1) "Arf arf...arf," you bark, which translates to, "This is true. I will now go into a distant land and be taken up into heaven via a flaming chariot." http://fishtacosofdeath.blogspot.com/2017/10/the-distant-land-heavenly-chariot-one.html

2) "Arf arf... arf," you bark, which translates to, "This is untrue. I'm GOING TO DISNEYLAND!" http://fishtacosofdeath.blogspot.com/2017/10/the-disneyland-one.html

"Arfinator," which translates to, "Another smaller pocket."

Arnold Schwartzenegger rides up on his motorcycle.

"WRONG!"

Then he blasts you 100 times with a shotgun.

"Geez mister," says Ralph.

Then he rides off.

The end

You want to do naughty things with the poodle.

Are you sure?

This seems like a terrible idea.

1) Yes

http://fishtacosofdeath.blogspot.com/2017/10/yes-do-naughty-things-with-poodle.html

2) No

http://fishtacosofdeath.blogspot.com/2017/10/no-do-not-do-naughty-things-with-poodle.html

Approach cautiously while stating that you're not looking for action.

You walk slowly towards the poodle, stating all the while, “WOOF WOOF!” which translates to “It’s okay, I’m not looking for action. I just want some food. Any food would be appreciated.” She growls and snarls at you. “Just one little treat,” you say. “That’s all. I’m starving.” Just then, a small child comes out the door. “Aw, it’s Jenkins from next door!” she says. “Have a doggy bone!” Then she produces a doggie bone and throws it to you. You devour the doggie bone. Mmmm. What a delightful treat! OM NOM NOM NOM. Then the child picks you up and takes you back to your house next door. “Stay here Jenkins!” she says, putting you down in the backyard and shutting the gate. Well, that was nice of her. Now what to do? You guess you’ll just hang out back here until Howard and Betty come back. What would you like to do?

1) Chase your tail.

http://fishtacosofdeath.blogspot.com/2017/10/you-chase-your-tail.html

2) Pee on a rock.

http://fishtacosofdeath.blogspot.com/2017/10/you-pee-on-rock.html

You chase your tail.

You chase your tail for awhile.  Nothing to be worried about here. Just chasing your tail. At some point, Betty comes home and opens the back door. She bends down and pets you lovingly. “Oh Jenkins,” she says. “I know it was an accident. I know you didn’t mean to hurt Howard.” Right Jenkins? She is telling the truth… right? “Well, he’s doing just fine. He has a fractured femur, so he’ll be at the hospital for a few days.” “Woof,” you say, which translates to, “Hope he’ll be all right!” You both go inside. Betty puts a dish of lasagna down on the floor in front of you. “My friend Margaret brought this over, for me Jenkins honey, but I’m not hungry. You can eat it.” Wow! Lasagna! What a delight! What would you like to do?

1) Eat the food.

http://fishtacosofdeath.blogspot.com/2017/10/you-decide-to-eat-food.html

2) Do not eat the food.

http://fishtacosofdeath.blogspot.com/2017/10/you-do-not-eat-food.html

You decide to eat the food.

You scarf down the lasagna. OM NOM NOM NOM. Oh what a delight! Just the way Margaret makes it! *BUUURP!* With your tummy full, you get sleepy and lay down to take a nice nap.

And then you never wake up. Because the lasagna was POISONED! And Betty is very very sad. But you wouldn’t know. Cause you’re dead. My deepest condolences.

The end

You do not eat the food.

Hmmm. You sniff at the lasagna. It smells strange. Certainly not any lasagna you’ve ever smelled. Almost has a strange chemical smell to it. But what do you know? Huh? HUH?! YOU’RE JUST A LOUSY DOG. Well, anywho, Betty notices your behavior. “Not hungry Jenkins? Well then, I guess I’ll just put it in the refrigerator for later.” Before she puts it in, she takes one bite. “Mmm!” she says. “Delicious! Just the way Margaret makes it!” Then she sticks the dish in the fridge. “I’m going to pack a few things for Howard and head back over to the hospital, Jenkins dear.” She exits the kitchen. Several seconds later, you hear a thud.

Quickly, you scurry out of the kitchen towards the bedroom. There on the floor is Betty, clutching her abdomen.

“Ohhhh,” she moans. “It hurts. Help me Jenkins! Help!”

Quick, Jenkins! Remember your training! There’s a cordless phone next to the bed!

1) Dial 9-1-2 on the phone.

http://fishtacosofdeath.blogspot.com/2017/10/you-dial-9-1-2.html

2) Dial 9-1-1 on the phone.

http://fishtacosofdeath.blogspot.com/2017/10/you-dial-9-1-1.html

3) Dial absolutely nothing. Just stand there and look all helpless. Like you've never had any training at all. You can even lick Betty's face.

http://fishtacosofdeath.blogspot.com/2017/10/you-dial-absolutely-nothing-and-lick.html

You dial 9-1-1

You remembered your training! Well done Jenkins! You nudge the phone over next to Betty. “Help!” she cries. “I think I’ve been poisoned!” The dispatcher reports she’s sending an ambulance to her house right away. The paramedics arrive at the house minutes later and carry Betty away on a stretcher. She’s in pain but she’s still alive. Thanks to you.

Now, there’s only one thing left to do.

Confront Margaret. And destroy her if necessary.

You sneak out the door behind the paramedics.

What now?

1) Go left.

http://fishtacosofdeath.blogspot.com/2017/10/you-go-left.html

2) Go right.

http://fishtacosofdeath.blogspot.com/2017/10/you-go-right.html

You go left.

You wander down the street. You see Miss Poodle again. She growls at you from the front porch.

1) Keep walking.

http://fishtacosofdeath.blogspot.com/2017/10/keep-walking.html

2) Try and do naughty things with her.

http://fishtacosofdeath.blogspot.com/2017/10/yes-do-naughty-things-with-poodle.html

You go right

The smell of recently cooked lasagna is becoming stronger as you wander down the street. Everyone knows Margaret cooks the strongest smelling yet most delightfully tasting lasagna around. But how many people know that Margaret also cooks the deadliest lasagna around? After walking a couple blocks, you see a woman across the street in her yard. She’s on the phone, talking to someone. Then she points at you. Is that… Margaret? She looks like a Margaret! She talks like a Margaret! And she SMELLS LIKE ONE. Why is she pointing at you? What do you do?

1) Charge at the woman! CHAAAAAAARGE!

http://fishtacosofdeath.blogspot.com/2017/10/you-charge-at-woman-chaaaarge.html

2) Wait 5 seconds, then charge at the woman. CHAAAAAARGE!

http://fishtacosofdeath.blogspot.com/2017/10/wait-5-seconds-then-charge-at-woman.html

3) Continue walking.

http://fishtacosofdeath.blogspot.com/2017/10/keep-walking.html

Wait 5 seconds, then charge at the woman! CHAAAAAARGE!

You wait just a few seconds, as right at that moment, the ambulance drives by, its siren blaring. “Woof woof!” you bark as you accelerate toward the woman. That translates to, “I GONNA RIP YOUR THROAT OUT, WENCHBAG.” She turns and runs for her front door, screaming. She drops the phone. “Heeeelp!” she cries, and reaches the front door just as you fly through the air and latch onto her ankle with your razor-sharp papillon teeth. Don’t let go Jenkins! Don’t let her get away! She kicks and kicks and struggles and you’re flying all over the place, but you’re still firmly latched onto that ankle. Then, she pulls a dirty trick. She pulls a miniature tennis ball out of her pocket, and throws it. “Go on doggy! Go fetch!”

1) Go fetch the ball.

http://fishtacosofdeath.blogspot.com/2017/10/go-fetch-ball.html

2) Don't let go.


http://fishtacosofdeath.blogspot.com/2017/10/dont-let-go-of-that-ankle.html

Don't let go of that ankle!

You don’t even give a second thought to that little tennis ball. Deeper you dig into that ankle, blood squirting out in all directions, all over your cute little papillon face and your cute little papillon ears. But really… you’re no longer a papillon. You’re a majestic wolf, a wolf who has conquered its prey and is now tearing off its flesh and ripping out its viscera, covered in the blood and guts of victory. You let go for just a moment to throw back your head and howl, but all that really comes out is just an “ARF!” But that’s okay. And really, you’re just biting her ankle, not her viscera. But you can dream Jenkins. You can dream. Just then, animal control pulls up, as well as three dozen blaring police cars. “Stand down!” yells an officer to the animal control mercenaries who have their tranquilizers raised and pointed at you. Then several officers restrain Margaret on the ground. You let go of Margaret’s ankle, now just a bloodied mess of flesh and bone. “We got her,” says the commanding officer into his radio. “The hostile is down.”

“Arf arf arf arf!” you bark, which translates to, “But how did you know?”

The officer gets down on his knee in front of you. “Jenkins, we got tipped off by a lady in an ambulance who said her neighbor poisoned her with lasagna. We thought maybe she was a little out of her mind, but it was about the seventh call we’d got this week from people coming down horribly sick after eating this Margaret’s famous lasagna. So we put two and two together, and… well, you know the rest.” Then he shakes your paw.

The commanding officer stands up. “This dog is a hero!” he proclaims to all within the sound of his voice. “Welcome to the team, Jenkins! The newest member of the LAPD!” Then he puts a medal around your neck.

“GET HER OUTTA HERE!” he yells, thumbing towards the police car.

Epilogue - http://fishtacosofdeath.blogspot.com/2017/10/epilogue.html

Epilogue

Well, things have been great ever since you took down Margaret the Lasagna Murderer / Person Making People Sick. Betty’s gotten better, with the help of modern medicine! Sure, she’s still a little distraught that her old friend Margaret was just a crazy old wenchbag trying to poison her neighbors, but… that’s the way life goes! Howard is doing better. You’re an all-star on the police force, the first papillon in the history of dogs to be an officer. Could things get any better? Probably not. Then one day, you’re out on patrol in your neighborhood, and you see Miss Poodle walking. Hmmm. Now that you’re a hotshot on the police force, maybe she’ll be a little more receptive?

1) Try and do naughty things with Miss Poodle.

http://fishtacosofdeath.blogspot.com/2017/10/yes-do-naughty-things-with-poodle.html

2) Do not try and do naughty things with Miss Poodle.

http://fishtacosofdeath.blogspot.com/2017/10/do-not-try-and-do-naughty-things-with.html

You eat the food.

You scarf down the lasagna. OM NOM NOM NOM. Oh what a delight! Just the way that lady makes it! *BUUURP!* Now, you’ve got a problem. You’ve got sauce all over your face, an empty container on the doorstep, and if Betty and Howard come home, YOU IN TROUBLE, JENKINS. And you’re already in hot water by tripping Howard in the first place. With your tummy full, you get sleepy and lay down to take a nice nap.

And then you never wake up. Because the lasagna was POISONED!

The end

Yes, do naughty things with the poodle.

With the look of lust in your eyes, you approach the poodle and attempt to do your thing. She does not take kindly to this behavior. She begins to growl and snarl at you. You’re like, “WOOF WOOF” which translates to “Just relax and let it happen baby.” And she’s like “Grrrrrrr,” which translates to “I’m going to eat you.” And you’re like, “WOOF!” which translates to “Ooh, that sounds hot.” And then she eats you.

You should’ve listened.

The end.

You back away

Now really, no one could’ve seen this coming. It’s really not your fault. A freak accident, really. Really Jenkins. Although I suppose you could’ve looked around to see where you were going when you backed away. As it turns out, you backed out, all the way into the road just to be safe in case Miss Poodle decided to charge at you. And you didn’t see the truck coming. And you went SPLAT all over the new nicely paved road, and all over Mr. Floogerman’s new tires, and he was pretty upset at you for that, jumping out of his truck and yelling at your guts and shaking his fist at your guts. But you don’t know any of that, because you’re in a much better place, a giant heavenly dog park with doggie bones everywhere and dirty socks to chew on. Congratulations?

The end.