Follow by Email

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Elegy of Nicholas S. Austin (If He Had Never Moved)

A mountain falls.
A cloud bursts.
The sun cries.
The moon dies.
Earth blinks her eyes.

Infants wail, and there’s destruction by hail.
A runaway blade gets caught in the sail.

First comes the storm, then comes the rainbow,
And the on-lookers staring, shall soon come to know,
that with a bad beginning comes a fitting end.
An end deserving of all.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Friday, November 27, 2009

Stagnant

So ummm….I notice that nobody is visiting this blog anymore. Hey everyone, where’d you go? Hey. Hey!

Now for a delightful treat…the lyrics to the hit song “Du Hast” by Rammstein!

 

Du
du hast
du hast mich
du hast mich gefragt
du hast mich gefragt, und ich hab nichts gesagt


Willst du bis der Tod euch scheidet
treu ihr sein für alle Tage

Nein!

Willst du bis zum Tod, der scheide
sie lieben auch in schlechten Tagen

Nein!

rammstein Grammy-award winning band Rammstein

Friday, November 20, 2009

Surprises

DSCF0373

I discovered this place, and made friends with the ducks.

Crumbs

Scattered here and there,
by the thousands

They are the final remnants,
falling from the master’s table.

Some get licked up.
Some get swept up.
Some get stepped on.

And yet, some, falling through floor cracks,
are never touched again.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Guy With a Gun

It's three O'clock one afternoon
and I'm polishing some boots.
A Czech walks by and asks me
if I'll buy some roasted newts.

"No way!" I say. "I'm allergic
to the gluten in those newts!"

He takes this well, at least I think.
He begins to walk away.

And then, what gives, he brandishes
a gun that he named...Jay?

That crazy Czech! He's done it again!
Does he really think he'll win?

"He's GOT A GUN!!!" shouts security.
as everybody hits the floor.

And screams are heard, cries of distress,
I think some guy just swore.

It's all my fault, according to Vladimir Putin
I shouldn't have insulted his gluten.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening, by Robert Frost (1923)

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

(Coming tomorrow: “Guy With a Gun” by Holden Green)

(IF ANYBODY SAYS THIS POEM IS ABOUT SUICIDE, THEY’RE WRONG! DEAD WRONG! GOSH!)

Saturday, October 31, 2009

1 Corinthians 13:8-13

It appears as though I have to break away from my silliness for a moment and pose the question as to what the heck these verses mean. This was my facebook status as well. One of the biggest reasons I’m intrigued is because I prayed before I started reading, which is something I rarely do (I’m a terrible person), and asked God to help me find something I could apply to my life, since I seem to be failing on finding application in the scriptures lately.

Why is it so interesting? Paul mentions that when “that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.” As it is, I don’t know what “perfect” thing he’s referring to. These verses follow the famous section regarding charity, as Paul describes the vainness in having spiritual gifts if we don’t have charity. Is he still talking about charity? Is he talking about Christ returning at his second coming? Is he talking about actual perfection coming to us when we’re celestialized exalted beings? Or is he simply speaking of “perfect knowledge?” The line that really gets me wondering is in verse 12, as he compares “now” and “then”. “For now, we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.” (italics added.)

That line which I italicized is pretty weird, but it’s strange that when I read it, another scripture popped into my head, from Doctrine and Covenants 76, verse 94, in which the blessed state of exalted beings is described: “They who dwell in his presence are the church of the Firstborn; and they see as they are seen, and know as they are known, having received of his fulness and of his grace.”

What does it mean to be “known as we are known?”

What is “that which is perfect?”

And what does it all have to do with faith, hope, and charity, so abundantly mentioned in 1 Corinthians 13?

Thoughts, anyone?

Monday, October 26, 2009

Medical Malpractices, Revisited

Had the opportunity this past week to fly out to Tennessee. For those of you who have never heard of it, Tennessee is one of the 50 United States, and is home to such prestigious landmarks as the Grand Ol Opry, the Great Smoky Mountains, Gary Allan, and Pulaski, birthplace of the KKK AND Sundrop. Mmm. What an excellent beverage. To celebrate one year since my return (it was actually on Thursday), let’s take a step back in time to Holden’s mission and revisit some of those things, people, and places that make it all so special.

sundrop Motto: “Destroying your teeth has never tasted so good!”

gary allanGary Allan: I met him once, he was a member in my greeny area. Seemed kinda depressed.

grand ol opry 

The Grand Ol Opry: I bashed my knee on a fire hydrant in front of this historical landmark once.

kkk

These guys with little funny pointy white hats had their beginnings in my last area. And if you’re wondering, yes, I was invited by several rednecks to join.

 

shelbyville

Tennessee is also home to Shelbyville, world-famous for being my third area. It includes various people, buildings, and plants.

 

titans 

The Tennessee Titans, celebrating a triumphant first down in the most famous game in Titans history, a 59-0 loss to the Patriots.

 

IMG_0953  From left: Ryleigh, Leslie, Melissa, and Richard Crouch. Then there’s some doofus, and then Elder Alvarez and Elder uhh…geez I forget. We’re all in front of the temple after the sealing.

 

                                                              IMG_0955 Me with Elder Alvarez. Favorite companion ever. Our loads of adventures in Lawrenceburg and Pulaski were the highlight of my mission.

 

With this all in mind, I had an incredible experience in being able to witness the Crouches (favorite family from my mission) get endowed in the Nashville Temple, and then, the next day, to be sealed as a family. I have decided that a missionary’s mission is not complete until he sees his recent converts go through the temple. And with THAT in mind, I realize that I still have a lot of work left with my recent converts, several of whom went inactive, one who is pretty active but still struggles with smoking, and one more in Lawrenceburg who is active but I haven’t heard of possible temple-goings yet. And apparently, the Gonzales’, my favorite family in Bowling Green Kentucky who brought even more people into the church after their own baptisms, went through the temple this past April, unbeknownst to me. How cool is THAT?!?!

I would be writing this all in my journal, but I have kind of failed in that regard over the past several months.

Remember to not eat too much gluten!

IMG_0978

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Sharing the Gospel Online

This month's edition of the Ensign was fantastic! It was all about blogging, and how to be a better missionary online! Which is why I'm going to tell you about a dream I had last night where I went to Joe Hafen's house, and Joe, Isaac, and David were all there with Joe's family playing Craps in the middle of the living room, and they totally ignored me and wouldn't even let me play, and I left really angry. THE END.


My missionary adventures today involved me writing an angry email to the CSN 88.1 Christian Radio Network. Ha ha! Oh, it wasn't really angry, just calling them out on hypocrisy because they were advertising some anti book about Mormonism. Seems silly to preach all day about the love of Jesus, and then tear down the beliefs of others, doesn't it?


My miscellaneous adventures today involved going to school, getting to my geography class at 9 am sharp, trying to open the door to the classroom that was actually LOCKED, knocking on it several times and getting no response, and finally realizing at 9:45 AM (MDT) that we were actually supposed to go to the testing center today and take a test, HENCE, THERE WAS NO ONE IN THE CLASSROOM. WAHAHAHA!


Thursday, October 8, 2009

Senior Day

1) I decided Senior Day would be a good name for a band. A band of really old people. The inspiration for this comes from Dixie Nutrition’s monthly celebration of geezers and their constant need for supplements because…gasp…their bodies don’t make the stuff THEMSELVES?!?! Gah! What a terrible life! Poor chaps. I plan to be the coolest old person on the block when I’m 90.

2) Remember to not eat gluten. It’s evil.

3) So I decided we should all be more tolerant of other religions. Usually at least once a day when I’m driving around, I flip the radio to 88.1 and listen in on some preaching. Those guys speak a lot of truth. Give it a whirl sometime.

4) I think Lady Gaga blasphemes everything sacred in the world when she calls herself an artist. Yes, times have changed my friends, even dirty rotten whores can be artists! Yay!

5) I think rap and hip-hop should stop stealing music from classic rock bands. Is this an ethics issue here?

6) The Office was really weird tonight.

7) Heh heh, remember that time Emily, that I got pulled over by Officer Carter of the SGPD, and he asked me for my driver’s license, and I tried to hand him my debit card. and he was like, “Whoa, wrong card buddy.” And I was like, “Oops! Heh heh!” and we all had a good laugh, well, probably just me and Officer Carter. You were probably still really mad at me for almost running that lady over. And Officer Carter probably thought I was drunk? Good times!

8) KRAVE WAS OUT OF CAPTAIN CRUNCH TODAY. THAT IS A NO-NO.

9) We STILL cannot figure out at my work which onions are the regular yellow onions, and which onions are the SWEET yellow onions. And every time a customer brings onions up, we always talk among ourselves, and ask the same question every time, “So uhhh, are these regular yellow onions or sweet yellow onions?” And of course the customer never knows the answer, but we’re just SAYING that to pull some chuckles out of the customer, but it never works, and then you know what? I realize it really isn’t that funny at all. GOSH, LIFE IS SO HARD

10) So this month’s edition of the Ensign was ALL ABOUT BLOGGING. And how great a tool it can be in sharing the gospel. And it featured all sorts of bloggers who get like, 300 visitors to their blog daily, and who actually have blog comments sent to their email so they can REVIEW THEM FOR INAPPROPRIATE CONTENT! I mean…come on! How on earth do you get a blog so popular that you get SO MANY COMMENTS that you have to review them all? I get an average of maybe 2 comments per entry. And there isn’t usually anything inappropriate, unless Emily writes some dirty things on there.

11) I learned in this particular Ensign that you need to be careful on your blogs with the PICTURES that you choose to put on it. Because it’s a well known fact that a rapist is looking at my “Dixie Nutrition Gluten-Free” sign below, and making plans as we speak to come rape me tomorrow at work. SO THIS ENTRY WILL HAVE NO PICTURES. NONE. TEXT ONLY. I’m just trying to protect my family, that’s all.

12) The number of Apostles in the church.

13) Emily’s favorite number.

14) Robert Frost is SO COOL. He’s just like me! Except he’s good at writing poetry! Sup Bob!

15) Married life is great. I approve of Emily’s meals that she conjures up out of nowhere. And for going and getting me a burger and a strawberry malt at Dairy Queen the other night. Who can dispute the mighty sweetiness of Emily? Let him be smitten by my karate chop!

16) I could probably go on forever, but umm…no. SENIORS ROCK! IMG000005

Ok fine, here’s a picture.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

I’ve Got You Covered

 

I think it’s really neat that the Hebrew word for “atonement” is “covering.”

That denotes a lot of wonderful things.

Protection.

Somebody else paying for you when you have nothing to pay.

Keeping the cold out.

Eternal life.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Great International Celebrities, Episode 3- And Various Other Adventures

 

do applewhite

Marshall “Do” Applewhite- Charismatic leader of the Heaven’s Gate that committed mass suicide several years ago in order to hop a ride on the Hale Bop Comet. Looks like a happy happy guy.

 

In other news, a new yogurt place has opened up RIGHT ACROSS THE STINKING STREET from Dixie Nutrition, called “Krayogurtve”. I am gonna give Krave kredit (waha good one Green), a million toppings (plus about 12 yogurt flavors) kind of seals the deal for me, especially…get this…KAPTAIN KRUNCH! Plain tart yogurt with Kaptain Krunch pieces on top is about the best thing in the world. Sounds weird, but it’s true.  Sadly, it’s quite expensive, I’m paying $1.50 at Krave for a small (4 ounces), compared to $1.00 at Dixie Nut. Is it worth it? Only you can decide. And me, I guess. I just haven’t decided yet. Heh! If they had planned on putting us out of business, well, screw that, we barely make any profit on our yogurt in the first place. Maybe if they sold Oatscream, Tofu Hot Dogs, Meatless Chicken Nuggets, and really mysterious Chinese products that have “deer penis” as an ingredient, they might have a chance at driving us out. But don’t let them hear that, or they might just start putting those things in their yogurt. Heh heh! EWW!

Oh, and their website is wrong. Tart yogurt is not unique to Krave. Dixie Nutrition actually started it 40 years ago. SUCKAS!

See? I don’t even know who I’m rooting for.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

I Lost My Face in a War, Part II

From L-Burg to California 552

It’s ok, you’ll have another face someday.

Such a terrible thing to lose.

Aye,” said the faceless stranger as he put forth his

oars into the wild blue surf, and paddled off.

I’ll miss that guy.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Piddling around with Windows Live Writer

I don’t know if this is cooler than just writing a regular blog. I’m testing this baby out.

It is good to have a couple days off of work. This has been a silly week.

I have to go  to the bathroom right now, so I’m going to end this.

IMG000019   IMG000020

Monday, September 7, 2009





I figured I better write at some point and talk about my marriage, since I never seem to mention that in my blogs.

I'M REALLY HAPPY BEING MARRIED.

It was pretty weird at first, but the change of hardly ever seeing my parents (despite the fact that they live about five miles away), and most of my friends anymore, has passed, for the most part. I love being with Emily, and now that her new work schedule has freed her for six days a week, rather than three, I'm happy.

Our condo is kind of a mess right now. I was in the "must look perfectly clean" state for a week or two after we were married, but that's worn off. We got Rock Band last week, so that's made for a grand time the past several days. I have a band called "The Spleens," led by pretty-boy Chuck Vanilla. He plays the guitar, looks like a hippie, and has the sweetest lamb-chops ever.

School isn't too difficult, and I didn't fall behind too much for missing my first Tuesday of classes. Pardon me for thinking that the "TR" on my schedule just stood for "THURSDAY," not "TUESDAY & THURSDAY". Jerks. How is anybody supposed to know that?

I enjoy reading, something that started this past summer. Because of it, my "intro to literature" class is pretty enjoyable, more so than it would've been had I been taking it in high school or something. As you can tell from my last blog, Young Goodman Brown was a fun read, and made even more fun by the fact that I UNDERSTOOD IT. Even despite Nate Hawthorne's ancient biblical wording. I don't think I had ever been more excited, than I was the day after I read it, to share my thoughts about it in class. This is pretty weird to say all this, since it's a book about devil worship and everything, heh heh. I'm just happy that I understood it, because I usually don't comprehend what I read, especially 19th century literature.

Last night, I relaxed with my dear wife at my parents house. We ate egg rolls and watched Arrested Development and Forrest Gump. Mmm. A good combination.

What are we gonna do today? Hmm...go fly kites. Go eat Thai food. Go swimming. And...oh yeah...make Wingers' Sticky Fingers. Mmmm. Hooray for Labor Day!

The end.
Emily took this
the Motherland

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

So this is a picture of Nathaniel Hawthorne, author of Young Goodman Brown, a hilarious adventure story about a guy named, you guessed it, Young Goodman Brown, and believe me, HE IS YOUNG. Actually he may not be so young. He goes and hangs out with the Devil in the woods, and decides to go chill at one of those Satan-worshipping gatherings. Once he gets there, he sees everyone he knows there, and basically realizes that everybody he's known in his life to be good moral pious Christians are actually all Satan worshippers. Ha ha! A delightful romp the whole family will enjoy. Soon to be a motion picture from Disney Pixar!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

BATTLE OF THE NUTRITIONISTS: EPISODE ONE


So it would appear as though school began two days ago. I've had somewhat of a "personal renaissance" the past couple months. For some reason, I'm more excited to learn than I've ever been. Some great drama has unfolded in regards to my Scientific Foundations of Nutrition class though that deserves mentioning.

This class is taught by one Professor Linda Wright. She's pretty excited about nutrition, you
see. I've been really excited the last couple months to take this class, just because I've worked at Dixie Nutrition for so long now, and I have a teeny knowledge of various vitamins and supplements. On my first class on Monday, she gave us a 10-question true/false quiz, just to see what things we knew about nutrition. One of them read, "VITAMINS GIVE YOU PEP AND ENERGY." So I put down "true," knowing that we sell energy-specific vitamins at my work, for example, vitamin B-12, and I've heard feedback from various people that it really works. I also put down "true" to the statement "ORGANIC FOODS ARE HEALTHIER THAN NON-ORGANIC FOODS." When we went through the answers, the first one was actually FALSE, and, according to Professor Wright, the ONLY way you can get energy is by calories! "Any vitamin that claims to be able to give you energy is a lie!" she said. "Just put out there by people who want to make money!" I raised my hand and asked, "Well, what about 'energy' vitamins, like B-12?" "Nope!" she replied. "Vitamins can't give you energy!" She didn't bother to expound on her logic, and I didn't feel like asking her to. Mostly I was just confused. Also, the answer to the other statement I mentioned was "false." Huh?

Puzzled, I took these questions to work with me that day and threw them at Marge, Elliott, and anybody else who wanted to listen. I learned that the head of Professor Wright's department is none other than Demaree Johnson, Marge's daughter's mother-in-law, who is apparently anti-Dixie Nutrition. When I say "anti Dixie Nutrition," I refer to somebody who is in favor of doctoral medical treatment, as opposed to natural supplements, herbs, and the like, i.e. Dixie Nutrition. So Professor Wright, according to them, is teaching what the doctors tell the college professors to teach, not what is necessarily true. Marge spoke with contempt about this professor of mine, but warned me not to argue anything she says, in case Wright decides to fail me, which I really doubt would happen, but who knows.

So back I went today, anxious to learn more stuff. Professor Wright was teaching us about some basic nutrients, including "phytochemicals," some important nutrients that can only be found in vegetables, fruits, and grains. A girl raised her hand and shared that when she was a hairdresser, some people came into her work and did a demo of some vitamins, which they claimed were made from fruits and vegetables. I assumed she was referring to some sort of whole-food multi-vitamin, which we sell at our store. At this point, she asked Professor Wright, "So are the phytonutrients still in them? Even if they just dehydrated the fruits and vegetables and turned them into powder?" My answer? Yes. Professor Wright's answer? No! Wa ha ha! "Nope!" she said. "No one's ever done that! Science hasn't proven it. Science says no, and I choose to believe science, rather than people who are just trying to make money!" And as she talked, I just kept waiting for her to EXPLAIN her logic, like, why you COULDN'T put phytonutrients in pill form, but she DIDN'T. Her logic was simply, "Science says no." And I was strongly tempted to start arguing, but I held my peace. Went over to Dixie Nutrition later and brought it up with Marge, who just laughed.

I know all these events seem pretty boring and un-interesting to everyone, but it's just strange...I've become super excited the past few weeks to take this class, maybe even looking into nutrition as a major, and now I've found myself caught in the midst of the Battle of the Nutritionists, Corporate Medical Organizations versus Natural Herbs and Supplements (a.k.a Dixie Nutrition), and people just can't seem to agree on what's true.

Well, this is Part 1. Stay tuned, there'll be another episode next week probably, since I'm sure Professor Wright will say more ignorant stuff. Toodles!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

The turtle you see on the left is one that my companion and I found in my last area on my mission. We named him...CLAYTON. And then the zone leaders cooked him and ate him. What a cutie he is. He looks so happy.

I really like all those great Facebook ads where it says "Who's been searching for you?" and then it has a picture of some babe-a-licious scantily clad floozebag. Like, I always look at those pictures and say to myself, "Gosh, I hope THAT girl's been searching for me!" Because if some perfect stranger of a floozbag has been searching for me online, man, can things get ANY better? HOT DANG!

Hey guess what kids, I got MARRIED LAST WEEK! It was super special. Then we got to spend a week in Las Vegas, and we accidentally gambled away all of the money that people gave us for wedding presents. HEH HEH! Sorry! Those slot machines are just too fun, too colorful, and make too many cutesy wootsy fun noises to pass up. My favorite part about casinos, I decided, is the old people who can sit in front of those machines for hours, and no matter how much they ever seem to be winning, THEIR EMOTIONS NEVER CHANGE. THEY NEVER SHOW ANY EXCITEMENT. IN THE LEAST. I mean, come on, isn't winning money supposed to be the best thing in the world? Hmm.

As you can see, Emily is having a great time on the machines. You see, Emily and I are part of the "Mormon" religion, where we don't "gamble." Besides being a sin, I also find it extremely lame to throw away your money. Luckily, the casino, when we registered at the South Point Hotel, gave us TWENTY FIVE FREE DOLLARS/TOKENS TO USE ON SLOT MACHINES! So we went at it, and lo and behold, we won $9.61! Good thing it wasn't REAL money, otherwise, that would mean that we lost 16 dollars! HEH HEH! GAMBLING IS GREAT!

So anywho...here we are. We're married. Life is great. And there's this crazy guy who looks like Fidel Castro that comes into my work every day, and always spends at least $50, but apparently, doesn't have enough money to take care of his own teeth. If this blog is supposed to be about updating you on the latest news of Holden and Emily Green, well, I'm probably doing a pretty poor job. But I figured you wanted to hear about the Fidel Castro guy anyway.

Monday, July 20, 2009

1) The repetition is killing me. I am officially sick of Dixie Nutrition now. I think I'll go get a new job. Emily and I ate arby's food out on the front bench of Dixie Nutrition today. It was a bold statement, sitting there in front of Healthy Food Headquarters, chowing down on a turkey-bacon-swiss, GOSH it was so good. Take that Dixie Nutrition. Your evil empire is about to come to an end. Just kidding!

2) We got our invitations today! Hooray! Those'll be getting sent out. Party.

3) I witnessed the Fed-Ex man pull a dog biscuit out of his breast pocket today and give it to my dog. It was incredible. I would do that, except that I don't have breasts.

4) I wish old people wouldn't look down on all us younger people as rebellious druggie punks.

5) I dowloaded the Big Fish soundtrack with my "50 FREE MUSIC DOWNLOADS" that I got when I purchased my new Cruzer jumpdrive. I decided it's pretty much the best soundtrack ever. You should all listen to it. Or not. I know Danny Elfman is pretty creepy, especially if you've seen Oingo Boingo's music video of "Little Girls," but he is really a good composer. So leave him alone.

6) I hope it rains outside. But it probably won't.

7) Why is cold water so much more satisfying than hot water?

8) If the yogurt machines at Dixie Nutrition are left on all night, and beep all night, like they're prone to do, but nobody is at the store to hear them, do they actually make sound?

Saturday, July 18, 2009

I finished Harry Potter #5

I did, I did, I finished it, yay me! As I am usually behind on all the fads in life, and I haven't yet finished the series, I will proceed to book #6 now. Man, that Professor Umbridge was a jerk.

I realized that I hate being serious in my blogs.

I'm going to be married in three weeks. I'm really excited, but that IS really strange...

Peace to you all, I think I'm going to delete this blog soon.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Brandishing the Beverages

Isn't it strange how sometimes, our eyes can be wide open, but we're totally oblivious to what's going on around us? I thought about this earlier as I was driving home from Emily's. It was 1 AM...I was tired...I was sleepy. And I would go stretches of driving, but kind of in my own world, sort of in a dazed "half-asleep" state, yet my eyes were wide open. I knew that I was in my own world, because the radio was blaring very loudly, either commercials (which I hate), or crappy music, and I wouldn't change it for a few minutes. And then I would just come to, kind of snap out of my state of half-asleep, and realize, "What the heck am I listening to this for?"

I know this story hasn't been very interesting, but there's some good lessons and symbols I would like to pull out of it to teach you to better your life.

Welp, good night!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Uninteresting

So me, Steve, and Isaac were at Denny's last night. At some point, a semi-truck was driving slowly through the parking lot. One of the employees said, "What's that?" "That's a truck," replied manager John Sullivan. Heh heh! A witty dialogue, I must say. We all laughed. A LOT. BECAUSE IT WAS FUNNY.

Later on, we were at the counter paying our tabs. I told Mr. Sullivan how much of a tip I wanted to leave. I think he had been listening to mine and Steve's conversation about our sweet "E Z Tip Calculator" functions on our phone, and he said, "You know, I always just start em out at five dollars, and then they just lose money anyway." Me and Isaac laughed heartily, not getting what he was talking about, then we said bye, and we left. Wa ha ha! We discussed Mr. Sullivan's comment for several minutes, wondering why we laughed when we didn't understand what he was talking about. We thought maybe he wasn't actually telling a joke. Maybe he was being serious, telling us how terrible it is that all his employees are losing money, and soon, there won't be enough money for food on his table at home. There won't be enough money for pants either. Oh wait, nobody in his family wears pants anyway. HEH HEH! Let me explain...John Sullivan and his family were in my ward once, but they never came to church. I went and did fast offerings to their house once. The door opened up, and I remember seeing a bunch of young teenage girls walking around without pants on. It was pretty weird. So I decided Mr. Sullivan is already poor, even to the point of not being able to afford pants for his daughters. To this, Isaac and I bowed our heads in silence, ashamed that we had laughed at him. From that moment, I swore I would never laugh at Mr. Sullivan again.

THIS BLOG IS TOO LONG. I'M SORRY. I JUST WANT PEOPLE TO READ IT AND LAUGH. GOSH.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Re-Discovered

I know that pretty much nobody finds this interesting but me, but I just had to throw the link on here.

http://doom1945.spaces.live.com/blog/

If you click that, you'll be taken to my "Pre-Mission Blog," which I kept up from May 2005 to October 2006. I was lurking around the internet this evening, and I stumbled upon it somehow. I found it utterly hilarious, with the exception of a few lame depressing entries, and it made me grateful that the old "emotional meditative" Holden is dead. Oh, and there's photos on there too. Have fun looking at it, if you're bored and need some laughs.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

A Tribute to Kim Jong-Il

Kim Jong-il's official biography states that he was born in a secret military camp on Baekdu Mountain in northern Korea on Februrary 16th, 1942. Official biographers claim that his birth at Baekdu Mountain was foretold by a swallow, and heralded by the appearance of a double rainbow over the mountain and a new star in the heavens.

Kim is said to be a huge film buff, owning a collection of more than 20,000 movies. His reported favorites are the Friday the 13th, Rambo, James Bond, and Godzilla series.


Also an apparent golfer, North Korean state media reports that Kim routinely shoots three or four holes-in-one per round (wow). His official biography also claims that Kim has composed six operas and enjoys staging elaborate musicals. Kim also refers to himself as an "internet expert."

[thanks to Wikipedia]

All you have to do is just LOOK at that guy to realize how important and wonderful he must be to have had his birth foretold by a swallow, and a new star in the sky. Wow. He truly is the Chosen One.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Wahahaha!!

You Suffer- by Napalm Death
(This song is, I kid you not, one second long. As good as death metal gets.)

"You suffer...but why???"

Monday, June 29, 2009

You Suffer, But Why?

It's silly, I hear lots of moms start counting to three when their kids are doing something bad, but I rarely ever hear them actually reach the number 3. It makes me wonder...what ARE they going to do once they reach 3? Are they unsure of what to do? Or is there some rule in the mom-world that when you hit 3, you have to do something really really bad, like detonate a nuclear bomb, or set a high-rise building on fire, or poison the city's water supply. Which is why they never reach 3, because they just don't want to do it. Because they love us. And you. Here's a tribute to our moms.

I'M SO TIRED RIGHT NOW. I spent a large part of my work-day simply walking in circles around the store, mostly cause there was nothing to do. I don't think anyone noticed, heh heh. I do that sometimes. Also, ZZ-Top came into the store today. I think it was them. Oh yeah, and the Buddhist guy who hates Mormons came in today, and every time he does, I fear an impending bash. Fortunately, he was pretty silent today. I think he fears ME actually.

MY KNEES ARE PEELING?! What the fetch?

I have one month and one week left of being un-married. This change is gonna be kind of a big deal. I hope I can handle it.

UNTIL NEXT TIME SMOKERS!

Saturday, June 27, 2009

I also decided that this is a very very weird blog.

Friday, June 26, 2009

I'm engaged!!!

How WEIRD is that?

As I see that no one was really interested in my rantings over various international celebs, I will not be focusing my blog on that sort of thing anymore.

I watched all 15 episodes of Teen Girl Squad today. They made me giggle. I haven't been on homestarrunner.com for years.

Hey guess what, I'm engaged.

I decided to try out my computer's movie-making program tonight. It's nothing special, but I wanted to see if I could throw together something short and random, just to master the basics. Hopefully it's on here. I'll try to upload it, but the whole "uploading stuff" thing is not going so well today. I tried to put my California pictures on Facebook, and it failed. We'll give it a whirl.



Ok it didn't work. Surprise. Oh well.

I went to the dentist today. He drilled into my teeth a lot and shouted orders to his hygienist sidekick girl, and did a lot of other weird stuff to my teeth that I was pretty oblivious to because I COULDN'T SEE WHAT WAS HAPPENING. All I know now is that my teeth hurt. When I told him that my back molar, which got a filling two weeks ago for a nasty cavity, had been hurting a lot, he simply shru
gged it off and said, "Aw, that's ok! That means it's healing!" Well there you have it. Pain = Healing. Thanks Dr. Olsen!

Oh, by the way, I'm engaged. Emily Berrett is my new fiancee. Cosmopolitan Magazine wants to know, according to a recent front-cover headline, "SHOULD YOU BE CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR FIANCEE'S X-RATED BACHELOR PARTY?" WELL TOO BAD!!! HEH!!! I'M HAVING AN X-RATED PARTY! RIGHT NOW! WITH BEER! AND SMOKES! AND BABES! AND WATER CHESTNUTS!

Monday, June 15, 2009

HE'S SO HAPPY!



Come on, how can anybody NOT trust this guy? Look how happy he is! I think he just wants to give every American and every Israeli a big hug. Here's to you Mahmoud Ahmadinjead!

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Go team go!

Pictures from my recent California trip will be up shortly hereafter.

I have no idea what to write right now. I don't even know why I'm on here. Though I do find it quite humorous that Kobe Bryant can get away with anything, including elbowing opponents in the face, and win a championship and get to be the Finals MVP. I could probably get a championship too if I could elbow everyone in the face and not get penalized. What's the hype, eh? He's no better THAN ME! Here are some of his latest heroic achievements.

1. BROKE THE RECORD FOR NBA ALL TIME TOTAL JERK POINTS

2. BROKE THE ALL TIME RECORD OF NUMBER OF TIMES COMPLAINED TO THE REF

3. BROKE THE RECORD FOR MAKING DUMBEST FACES

4. BROKE THE RECORD FOR NUMBER OF TIMES I HAVE WANTED TO BREAK HIS LITTLE UGLY FACE

The end.

Until next week! Or maybe tomorrow. I don't know. Shut up.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Holden turns serious again

Just for a minute. Something really really makes me angry, and I will let it out on my blog. Why are people in our church SO judgmental of young men that don't go on missions, or young men that come home early because they can't handle it? I really wish that all these young men were not looked upon as the biggest sinners upon the earth, because for one thing, that makes them hate life, and second, it probably makes a whole lot of them go inactive. It may be hard for some of us to comprehend why some people don't go on missions, when we see entire families that go on missions, or perhaps ALL of our siblings went on missions, but whether a young man chooses to go on a mission or not is totally between him, the Lord, and absolutely no one else, and his decision is none of our business.

I wish a general authority would say something about this in general conference. The end.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

HOWDY TATER WAFERS!

So Uncle Holden has decided on a new approach to his blog, basically, all the really really serious junk is cut out, and instead, I say funny random things and post pictures of KKK rallies. This is not an endorsement of the Klan, however, going to a Klan rally on my mission was a pretty humorous event, I must say.

Nick Green and I decided that potato chips should be renamed "Tater Wafers," if you wondering why I said that.

I realized that being "grateful" is a hot new trend these days, so I'm going to list 50 things that I am grateful for...

1.

Ha ha! Just kidding! What a waste of time! Heh! NO! JUST KIDDING AGAIN! I really am grateful for so many things, including, among other things...my video games, my string cheese, my CSA belt buckle/knife, my brain, my pancreas, and my little Emily. And probably a lot of other really profound wonderful things as well that I'm too lazy to write down right now. Man I fail. Everyone kicks my butt at the "grateful" game.

I SAW KATE HOWLEY THE OTHER DAY WALKING DOWN RED CLIFFS DRIVE, HOLDING HANDS WITH A GIRL! UGH! I had a crush on her in first grade, you know. My mom told me maybe she's not a lesbian. Maybe she has a blind sister.

Maybe.

The end.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Don't Worry Too Much


I taught my first lesson today in elders' quorum. It was about forgiveness. I don't think there's anybody in my life I haven't forgiven. Is there?

Life races along at breakneck (ouch!) speed. I hope no one breaks my neck in the process. And I know some who would. Scoundrels! I hope they get swine flu. As well as swine cancer, the swine cold, and swine Alzheimers.

Another summer is upon us.


I wish I was classier. Like, more into literature and such. I'm not sure if that actually means classier, but I say it does. So shut your face.

Emily is at work right now. We went and saw Brian Regan last night. It was a joyous laughing good time. I told Emily that we were through, since the only reason I started dating her was so I could go to the Brian Regan show with her. Heh heh! Good one Green. Oh by the way, that was a joke.

Half of me feels like growing up and advancing through life, and the other half of me wants to stay put. What's my deal?

I decided that life is full of irony.

I also decided that my blog isn't as classy or interesting or sophisticated as everyone else's. Someone should give me a hand with that.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Tired?

I'm tired right now.

I've decided I need to go job hunting. Dixie Nutrition isn't cutting it for me anymore. It's repetitious, it's boring, and I'm not learning any valuable life lessons from it. I realized I hate working at cash registers. I realized that I grow sick and tired of saying the exact same mundane things to every customer, such as, "Will this be all for you? Is this gonna be credit or debit? Can I just get you to sign here? Are you gonna want a plastic or paper bag for this? Make sure to keep your receipt if you want to make any returns or exchanges. Thanks for coming in. (eye roll --> customer complaint against me)" The end.

Emily lives in St. George now. BOO YAH! I spent the last four days playing with her, all day every day, and it made me happy.

We watched the Great Mouse Detective on Sunday night. What an underappreciated Disney classic.

I kinda miss high school.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Peace


I'm going to the temple tomorrow night.

I've been wanting to do it for the past few months, but I've been running on an expired recommend. It'll be my first endowment session since I've been home, which makes me a pretty big lamo, but I'm getting back into things. I'm taking some questions with me tomorrow night that'll have eternal consequences, namely marriage questions. Yikes! This is a big deal.

The semester is almost over, too. The first few months of college have been interesting, I must say. The stress is about to pile on in the next few weeks with finals and such. The temple will be good for all of that I suppose.

Lucas Yates called me today to interview me for a school newspaper article. The questions all dealt with cheating. What do you think of cheaters? How should they be punished? Why is cheating right/wrong? What measures, if any, could be improved at the Testing Center to catch cheaters? It was like, a 30 minute long conversation. I didn't know I had such a strong opinion about cheating. And I also never figured out why I got chose to be the interviewee. I guess I'm a cheater.

Emily came to town today. It was great fun. I attempted to learn how to drive a stick-shift. And failed. I love that girl so much. What a strange, yet wonderful turn of events that she and I were brought together.

I'm looking forward to the temple tomorrow night.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Now the Swallows are Returning



Claude Debussy- (1862-1918) French impressionist composer, one of the most influential modernist composers of the 20th century. The end.






A lady yelled at me on the phone today at work, but I refused to get angry. I'm sick of being angry at that place.

I have a horrible canker sore in my mouth.

I ate the best cinnamon roll ever.

I never see the running kid on the college campus anymore. I wonder what happened to him. Who is this running kid, you might say? Every day at college for the past couple months, usually when leaving my psychology class, I would always walk past this kid who was ALWAYS RUNNING. Not running as in that he looked athletic or anything, running as in he always looked like he was late for class! Heh! I don't know why I found amusement in watching him run. Every day. I guess he was always late.

I watched "August Rush" with Isaac and my mom. It was a good flick. Pretty cheesy though, I must say. Oh well. Robin Williams was kinda creepy. I wish I had been a musical prodigy as a child. End transmission.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Tchaikovsky, Temper Tantrums, and True Love











The pictures are pretty random. But I thought they were nice. So shut up. Flowers in the first, my dearest Emily disapproving in the second (she'll probably kill me when she sees I've put pics of her on my blog), me and Em on the Dixie rock, a sunset, and my other lover, Emmett. HEH! Just kidding, he hates me. I torture him too much. (On my computer, the pictures, for some stupid reason are in a different order, I dunno if it's the same on everyone else's: flowers in the first, me and Em on the Dixie Rock, me with Emmett, and Emily disapproving. The end.)

Today in my music class, we listened to "La Boheme" by Puccini, and "Romeo and Juliet," by Tchaikovsky. Professor Garner got really emotional, as he tends to do. Such a tender little old man. He considers himself a romantic. I think I'm a romantic too. Those songs are really beautiful. And I didn't know Tchaikovsky was a homosexual. Thanks music text book! Learn something new every day!

Two customers today at Dixie Nutrition threw temper tantrums, both within the space of about 20 minutes. One guy started having a tissy fit because he was waiting at the checkout counter for about three minutes, and no one was around to ring him up, so he stormed out. The other customer was a lady who, in retaliation against the "No receipt, no return" policy, TOLD US OUR CUSTOMER SERVICE WAS TERRIBLE, AND SHE WAS NEVER SHOPPING THERE AGAIN. The reason I'm saying all this is because I committed myself today that I wouldn't complain about ANYTHING. Not once. And I didn't. Go me.

And of course, in my marriage preparation class, we learned about "true love." It was a boring lesson, as most are, Sister Hancock doesn't talk about actual marriage very much. Maybe I just need an attitude adjustment.